One Day You Will Just Be A Memory For Some People - Be The Best Memory You Can Be

The last few weeks have been somewhat of a blur. Spring arrived, amidst yet another snow storm and that snow storm seems to have affected our lives. The snow although literal has become figurative as well. Life has snowed down in a way that has been overwhelming and emotional. Feelings that I had forgotten have bubbled up inside of me causing memories to swell up and force me to change my reality of how I had been thinking or feeling.

The last six months have involved the need to accept where I am in my life and try to understand where my parents are in their lives. As I try to do this my beliefs hold strong but my emotions have definitely wavered and my thinking as to what is best has faltered. I and my siblings are watching our parents age. I know many people going through this same thing right now, but how hard to see those two strong, able, safe, secure people drifting, feeling lost and losing the security they had - the security that no matter what they had their minds and bodies and the respect of others and these things are failing them too. 

Dad doing what he loved - sailing

We are spread from one end of this country to another. British Columbia, Alberta and of course me, in New Brunswick. The problem for me, a problem I created myself, is that since I decided to live differently, leave the nine to five job, credit cards and daily rush of life, I am limited when a crisis occurs. In the past few weeks I have been faced with several dilemmas without many options except for offering support, a shoulder to cry on and appreciation that the phone companies are now only 5 cents a minute not a dollar. This allows me many minutes of listening, trying to offer help, ideas, some more forcefully than others and hoping that I am remaining kind and caring. This is a tough one. Especially since my brothers and I all have slightly different ideas of what is the right next move for our parents and then trying to decide if it matters what I think?

Almost two months ago my mom fell on the ice and popped her arm out of socket and shattered her shoulder bone. I wanted nothing more than to go help her and give her some assistance. I had always been able to do this in the past. Recently my dad had a fall which caused a serious infection and he has been in the hospital for a few weeks. We know that his quality of life has gone down, age is catching up, medical history coming back to haunt him and really his interest in going forward is questionable at best. Does this mean he is  ready to go into a home? Or just on a list? How much can mom still do for him? How much support can the community and its resources put into place? Is mom wrong for wanting to keep him home? Is it up to me to be a part of that decision? 

25 Year Anniversary - 25 Years Ago
Note: I am as old or older now than mom was then

For awhile I thought maybe it was. I was quite forceful and somewhat directive but now, I wonder. It has been over 50 years of a lifetime together. Their anniversary will be in July, maybe he is just hanging on until then. Maybe it would be more peaceful for them to stay together until then. Perhaps I am completely wrong, but is it up to me? I can only offer advice and support. The first week dad was in hospital I was feeling in my heart he would die, I cried, often, quietly, alone. My girls were so sad to know that they probably won't ever see Grandpa again. No, he is not who they remember, no he is not easy to get along with, but can't we just allow him the remaining dignity he has left? At least for awhile longer?

Dad at the Port Alberni
Farm Market selling his wares

As the days went on and the medicine started to work, we knew that this time, he would pull out of it and recover enough to return home. Supports are being put into place. I am so grateful to those who went to visit him, it isn't easy. I know we aren't alone that thousands if not millions of baby boomers are watching their war time born parents suffer and regress. Maybe it is easy for me to say since I am so far away, but as frustrating and disturbing as it can be, I think allowing them as much independence as possible and providing them with love and trying to not take things personally is the kindest thing we can do. 

I know that I was a stubborn little girl (my husband says I still am) but my parents loved me. They provided me with safety and support even when I made mistakes. They didn't bail out on me when the going got tough. When as an adult I faced a time of crisis my dad was there, guarding my door, staying with me, offering me physical protection. My mom did all she could to take care of me and my girls through post partum depression and then through trauma, she gave up everything to be with me day and night when I needed it. As much as I may think they are making some mistakes, they have thought the same about me. As often as I think they are nuts or what the hell are they doing, they have wondered the same about me. They offered their thoughts and advice and their unconditional love. I now need to do the same.

My main regret on my life style choice is that I probably won't see them again. I know I can't afford to fly and help them when in trouble and I likely won't be there to bury them either. Having said that, I thank them for their life time of love, guidance and understanding. I am now a parent, with girls who are growing up. Children who love me and want my support and help but also want me to let them make their mistakes and not judge them. Children who, as I get older they laugh at me a little bit more or make fun of my quirkiness a bit more often... just as I did to my parents. As part of my thoughts and reflections I have had to think about what my kids will "do with me" when I am old, how will they treat me? Speak to me? Care for me? Will they be kind? Will they speak badly of me in front of their children? Will they honour me? These thoughts have made me re-evaluate how I am thinking, speaking and feeling...

I know it is easy to pass judgement on others and how they deal with thing and although many of us may have different thoughts or opinions during this current time of sadness, difficulty, crisis, I love my family and only want happiness - for all of them.

Mom, Dad, I love you, I thank you, I wish you were healthy and happy but I know that you are going through a troubled time and I can't imagine all that is in your hearts right now. This week my dad turns 74 years old. For some that is not that old, for my dad it is. It is now after 10 AM there are things to do, there is yet another new skiff of snow on the ground, my coffee is finished and the tears are running down my cheeks. I can't do much for my parents, but I can give love them and listen and as hard as it is at times, I can keep my judgement to myself.

A tribute my daughter wrote to Grandpa when he went into hospital.
This picture was taken the day before we left BC almost 3 years ago.
"This is my grandpa, my best friend. I love him with all my heart, he is truly one of the best human beings I have ever known and truly loved. he's the most caring man, loving dad, brother, cousin, & child. I don't see him much anymore living in Nb, but he is only a couple provinces away , and even though I cant be by his side right now in the hospital. He will always be my best friend, no matter what happens to him. I love you so my grandpa ♥ & I'll always be there for you, you are always in my heart, I think about you everyday. And I really hope you're going to be okay, I know you will be though because you're the strongest man out there, and I know you can make it through anything. I love you ♥ "

Somewhere over the rainbow

There aren't many songs that you hear that instantly connect with how you feel, who you are and what you dream of. A few years ago I heard a song (on American Idol of all places!) by a young kid in dreadlocks, he was a bit scruffier than the other contestants and wasn't likely to make it through to the end, but I have to thank him for  playing this song "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" By Israel "Iz" Kamakawiwo'Ole.  Take a few minutes to listen, it is riveting, beautiful and magical. I think he actually combined two songs , I loved them! Listened on YouTube for days!

"Well I see skies of blue, and I see clouds of white

and the brightness of day, I like the dark

And I think to my self

what a wonderful world"

This song just makes me feel good, happy, satisfied and realize that we all have dreams, hopes, wants but at the same time, just looking up to the sky on a beautiful day can be completely satisfying and rewarding. His voice was gentle, smooth, captivating and then you see this big beautiful Hawaiian man who might be someone we didn't think twice about on the street or we might even judge him - negatively, yet he is so amazing! Whether he is belting out "It's a Wonderful World" or "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" he draws me in, completely has my attention and I dream of sitting on a Hawaiian Beach, in a lawn chair under a palm tree, listening to him pluck away on his ukulele. That would be spellbinding!

So what's my point? Nothing much, I am just reflecting on my life, the good, the frustrating, the lonely, the happy, the challenges and reminding myself what is important. Is the conflict surrounding me important? No, I don't think so, not in the scheme of things. Is the lack of "money" worth stressing over? No, I do, but I am getting better! Lonely, missing friends and especially family as my parents age and could use my help. I do have good friends though, people of quality, people who I care about and they do in return and for this I am extremely lucky.

Is watching my family grow older important to me? Absolutely! My husband is working hard and getting discouraged as his body tells him he can't do everything he wants to, and yes, I worry about him and don't want to be left alone. He is my little "maniac" and after 8 years I would miss him desperately.  In less than 3 months my baby will move away and live on her own. Have I taught her well? Am I instilling values that matter in the midst of the influences the world puts on her? I think I am. Maybe not to where I am, but I am 46 and she is 18 and I know that although more mature in some ways, I was not as ready to leave home as she is. She will make it. Then one more to go...

So now, I sit, listen to the sounds of my house around me. The washing machine finishing it's final spin; the fish tanks gurgling in the room; the sound of the fire crackling; the water in the tub upstairs as Jess finishes her bath; and Leonard Cohen singing Hallelujah in the background. It was actually this song that I was looking for when I thought about blogging tonight, but then I was sidetracked to Iz and I am glad for that. Cohen is talented and this song grabs me every time, but Iz was so much more uplifting to listen to. He helped me change my brooding thoughts to positive, thank you Israel Kamakawiwo'Ole!

And YES I do feel satisfied! I am also incredibly grateful winter is ending! 

Who knew I was following the 12 Step Program?

I have lived my life doing what is right for the most part and from time to time making mistakes and hitting the wrong chords thus missing the right moves altogether. For the first 18 years of my life I was influenced by my parents and church and although I don't agree with everything I was taught or that I learned, they did teach me morals and right from wrong. The next 20 years of my life were influenced by the man I was married to, the people I worked with and society around me and yes, I made some big mistakes. However, for the past 10 years I have tried very hard to do what is right, for all not just myself and loved ones. I have attempted to repair any damage I caused in the past, borrowed Step 9 from the 12 Step program and tried to go back and apologize, explain or make right anything I could. 

9.  "Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others."

This is not easy. I could have easily blamed my circumstances and allowed myself to sit back and not take responsibility but as much as that seems easy I couldn't do it. Since then I have tried to build a reputation that will show my character, flaws - yes, but ultimately provide me with a background that shows integrity and honesty. Of course I tell little white lies, not going to lie, I do. I will also not tell someone something that will hurt them if they don't need to know it. I think that is OK unless I am the one who caused the hurt - then as much as it boils inside of me and makes me want to walk away - I will eventually stand up to it and accept the consequences. (Apparently that is Step 10.)

 10. "Continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it."

I do know that in my "past life" I was respected. Even in my darkest hours when I went through times that I would never wish on another, I was seen by the people around me as someone worth caring about, trusting, knowing and respecting and that is huge to me. I have worked in environments surrounded by chaos, with numerous staff to supervise, where our clientele were repressed in crisis and our decisions truly affected their lives and well being. That is a tough place to sit. I am proud to look back and say that I cared, I went the extra mile and I was fair. I think that working in a social service environment where you are restricted by rules and restrained by regulations, if in that work place, you can gain a reputation for honesty and get respect by both the clients and the people you work with , then you have integrity. 

4. "Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves."

I learned so much between the age of 25 and 35 in my career, gained confidence and strength I would never have believed possible and learned that even when it was hard to admit I was wrong or I had to change a decision, I could do it. I carried these skills over to my personal life and volunteer work in my community. I became an involved parent in my children's school and gave my time to my Parent Advisory Council (PAC) and other committees that needed people to share their time to get things done. I have always been a volunteer from the time I was about 12 years old and I taught a Sunbeam Sunday School class. This was something that was taught to me, if you want to be part of your community, you help, you volunteer and your reward is the pleasure you feel and the lessons you learn. I still believe that. I don't see helping others as personal gain, notoriety or power. It is about doing what is right and I do enjoy it. I have not walked away from conflict but have tried to be fair, see both sides and dealt with personal attacks, over all, generally, I have been able to come to peace with all involved and I value that.

I do know that in my travels, experiences, paid employment, volunteer work and friendships... I know that with the exception of about two situations, I have been able to right a wrong or at least apologize and attempt to make amends. I do know that when I have to ask for character references or have someone speak up for me, I have received reports of quality that I can be proud of.

Now, I live at the base of Green Mountain in Fosterville, NB and I am building a life here. I am gaining a reputation based on my hard work, good baking, treatment of others and being fair; I am proud of that. My goal is to continue to show my character as something I and my children can be proud of, although I have had misunderstandings, made errors and try to move positively past those. I will always be a CFA (Come From Away) but my goal is to be a CFA that can be trusted and not known to delve in much gossip (I say much because it is almost impossible to completely avoid it). 

If when I die my children can say that they were proud of me and that I taught them positive lessons that they carried in their lives, then my efforts will have been worth it. If I keep learning and trying , I am happy. It seems easy in this technical era to make assumptions or accusations without speaking to someone, simply by typing it on a screen. That makes me sad, for our future and for our basic morals and beliefs. Credibility, integrity and trust, those are important values for me. If I have caused you to question those values, talk to me, not others. Have a great day!

Pink Shirt Day - Anti-Bullying

‎"They say high school days are the
best years of your life.
Well, if they are the best,
I hate to see the worst."
My daughter quoted these words
from my poem on my blog.

We all had our pink shirts on today, did you? As you may know, Pink Shirt Day came to be due to a group of students in Nova Scotia who in 2007 stood up for a boy who was beaten and bullied for wearing a pink shirt to school. That's it, that's all he did... he wore a pink shirt. Then several students decided enough! Bullying is something we are told every day in school is wrong, we are told there is zero tolerance for it, but here we go, it happened, yet again. Pretty amazing kids! This campaign is now international and although there are other anti-bullying days, it is now simply knows as "Pink Shirt Day".

Funny, I never saw a notice, email, posting or website update from the school that they were recognizing this day in anyway. However, about a month ago I saw an ad to buy your kids Pink Shirt Day shirts at a low price and the profits would be donated to the Boys and Girls club, so I figured this was a no brainer, either way it was positive. I ordered two, one for each of the girls - and they wore them today. Having said this, I did post on the school Facebook page last night a reminder about anti-bullying day and the link to why we have Pink Shirt Day and did begin to see comments and references to it, so maybe I just missed it being advertised?

All day long I have seen posts, banners, icons, ads and comments about anti-bullying. My hope is that people remember this day, these emotions, their thoughts and feelings for longer than just one day. I hope that they reflect on whether they have been bullies in their lives or if they have been bullied how they managed to move on past it. Even as adults people try to bully us. Just recently someone has been trying that with me, I am more mature now, I know a bully when I see it and rather than involve myself in their petty behaviour, I remove myself from them. I have integrity, I have grown strong and I have built a reputation I believe I can stand behind, so, BULLY! BE GONE! 

About a year ago I wrote a poem that expressed my personal experiences with bullying. The poem was specific to a time - one year, grade 8, when I went through some of the most awful, painful times that burned into my psyche and changed who I was as a person. I continued to be a victim after that. Perhaps if I had not suffered in that way, I would have made choices later in life that would have seen my history and others be much different. Well, I can't change what happened or how I felt but I can try to advocate on the behalf of my girls and those who I see being bullied today. I realize I have not been completely successful, since about a month ago my oldest child posted on an anti-bullying site her heart breaking struggle. 

When my daughter was 14 she was having a difficult enough time, but she really couldn't take being in high school anymore when she arrived at school one day to find that the quiet, lonely boy, in her class had hung himself to death in his bedroom the day before. After moving schools to avoid bullies and racism, he couldn't live another day. He couldn't go on. She tells me he was sweet, she didn't really talk to him much but she was in her own shell at the time, now she lives with that guilt, maybe, if she had talked to him he would be here. We can never know. She wasn't mean to him, she didn't bully him, she smiled at him... I am pretty certain he would carry no ill will toward her, but she didn't want to be a statistic as sad as she was about this unnecessary death. This incident made a life long impact on my daughter.

Remember, when you see someone who is alone, shy, sad, depressed, angry, withdrawn, has a negative attitude or is just not someone you are initially drawn to... maybe there is a reason. Maybe they have a terrible home life, have no one to love them, have been abused, lost someone they loved or maybe, they are bullied and have to have some sort of defense mechanism to cope. Maybe showing up that day, being where you saw them, took a lot more effort than you ever thought. Maybe, that day, they decided they would give being alive yet another chance and not choose today to kill themselves. Maybe, being kinder, seeing past their isolation and including them - maybe that is all they need to allow themselves to live another day.

I don't want to lecture, I feel like I am... I am just so passionate about this and don't want any child to feel alone and lost and hurt and sad... I am going to leave you with a video that I watched last night. If you can take another 7.5 minutes to watch this, I am sure you will be moved. There are many links in my posting today, there is just too much to say on this topic. If nothing else, today, I hope everyone took a minute to think about their actions in their lives and the impact it has on others.

Please, make every day Pink Shirt Day and don't bully others!

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/02/25/shane-koyczan-to-this-day-anti-bullying-poem_n_2759849.html

Have you heard the one? About the dog and the goat?

Luki and Freya waiting for me to cuddle

Imagine the look on my face today as I drove home from work, during the latest snow fall and about a 1/8 mile from my house, who approaches me, going for a jog, but my dog, followed by my goat? Yes, they decided to go to the lake for the day apparently the pasture was no longer enticing to them. Maybe they thought they would try ice fishing?

We have had a LOT of snow in the past month and it has risen, melted, disappeared and reappeared once again. A week ago my beloved left for Toronto and I have been in charge of the menagerie of creatures in the barnyard. While he was away we have had several heavy snow falls which I have diligently shoveled  a few times a day, hauled wood in as required, fed the chickens, collected eggs and attempted to keep my goat Miss Freya and my dog Luki happy in their habitat. 

It has been a lot of work on my own, but rewarding, fun and the physical work has felt good too. I am glad Len got to go see his family but I am also really glad he is coming home... especially since I have AWOL animals. The kids have had two snow days and I have spent the other two days working, so not much time off for me. 

At least the chickens behaved while Len was away!

I was driving up the road toward my house and had just passed Sandy Beach Lane when coming down the hill, sauntering with his swagger, was my boy Luki... as if this was not shocking enough Freya was coming behind him casually swinging her head checking out the view. It's a good thing I wasn't chewing anything because I would have choked on it!

Freya peeking out of the barn...

I slowed down, almost to a stop and opened my drivers door, half hanging out I called "Hey Luki! Come on boy! Come see mama!" He toddled on over with a big "smile" on his face like "Hey ma! S'up?" Freya was right behind him and of course she doesn't want to miss out on anything, so here they both are, half way into the truck with me... I let my foot off the brake and began to move slowly forward as they both followed me and trotted alongside, me continually talking and encouraging them to come with me. 

As I laughed and talked to them and inched forward I was really hoping that one of those big ass logging trucks did not come flying around the bend... or we would be having goat ala dog ala mama for supper. (Would that make me a shepherd's pie?) I was worried they might not stay with me and wander off, but they seemed very happy to join me up the hill and into the driveway. (Apparently they had already spent the day sightseeing in the neighbourhood.)

Freya sneaking Luki's food

I had just got out of the truck when Rachel pulled in behind me, with a wide opened mouth and tongue hanging out, she just said "I TOLD YOU SO!" and helped me keep them nearby. (She had been very upset about the fence line but there was really nothing I could do to fix it.) I opened the back of the truck very grateful that I had just picked up hay and so was Freya, she just stood up and started eating, I knew she wasn't headed anywhere for awhile. Luki stayed close since I had some bacon fat in my hand and that was all he needed for motivation. 

I flagged down a neighbour driving by, I was going to need his help to herd the dog and goat through the barn to the second barn and lock them up early for the night. He was very cooperative and  informed me that they had been loose since about 10am when he saw Luki running down the road earlier. You see, with all of the snow and the plows and the kind neighbours who plowed when I wasn't home, we no longer had a fence line. The snow had almost completely buried the fence on both sides and my animals simply had to walk over.

Now, what to do? Len isn't home until tomorrow night and I am going to have to keep the poor things in the barn until we either find a way to dig out the fence OR tether them... Oh well, how many times in your life can you say "Did you hear the one about the goat and the dog? They were walking down the street and ..."

This was a picture of the fence last Sunday, you can no longer even see the fence.

This is Luki out for his walk-a-bout at the neighbours up the road

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