I'm late, I'm late! For a very important date!

Wednesday started like any other day, but by the end, I wish I could have had a "do over." I went to work, visited with Glenn and Edna, said goodbye to Dan, their visiting son and headed to town to get some fuel and groceries. It sounds pretty basic... but not for me!

Last week when I went to the bank there was an error and after depositing my cheque I had no money. The insurance company had received an unauthorized payment and I was stranded, an hour from home, no fuel or cash. Fortunately the library had a computer and after some confusion and stress I had it all straightened out. If all went well, I should pull into my driveway by about 5:05 pm.

I was sure this week would be smooth sailing! Bank, check, no problem! Now I simply had to get a few groceries and fuel across the border, but first wanted to get a few things in Woodstock. How can I go into a store for an item or two and then lose an hour of time? It always amazes me! As I checked out of the store, getting some amazing deals after Christmas on items that were 75% off! I looked at the time... 3:45pm! OH NO!

Race to the truck! Skip the feed store! Race to the border! The US Border Patrol Officer to me: "Where are you headed ma'am?" Me trying to speak slowly although rushing: "Just home to Fosterville, via the Orient border crossing." Officer: "Are you stopping anywhere or going straight through?" Me: "I am stopping in Houlton quickly for fuel and some groceries, then home." Officer: (looking at his watch which now shows 3:57pm Atlantic time) "Good luck!" Me: "THANKS!"

Off I went! Zoom! To Houlton, first stop, bank machine. Second stop, grocery store! I hurried through the aisles, trying to get a few specials items to bake some artisan bread with flavours such as sun dried tomatoes, feta cheese, sliced olives, red peppers and more. A few items for the girls lunches and voila! I am done!

Now for the grocery line! YAY! Only one person ahead of me! No problem! Except... this lovely lady, of about 80 years of age, was sloooowwwllyyy looking through her purse for change, coupons and her rewards card. HURRY UP!!!! I stood there, tapping my fingers, trying to be discreet, leg rocking, breath going shallow... P U H L E E Z E ... MOVE it lady!!! Ugh! FINALLY done!

Now for me. Yes, I am fine! Yes, nice day! Yes, not into a chit chat with you now thanks! (OK I didn't say that out loud and I really tried not to look impatient, but c'mon already! Just pack the damn food!!!!)

Out the door! Trying not to knock over any shoppers in the parking lot. (I did get a few looks as I pulled out!) Over to the gas station, threw some diesel into Buddy and in to pay! To speed things up I already had USD so I didn't have to worry about the exchange. I asked the woman at the check out the time. 3:30pm (which is 4:30pm to us) and I said, OH! I am rushing, have to get to the border crossing in the next 30 minutes! She wished me luck and off I went.

I will admit, I did break a few speed limits but I was CERTAIN I could make it! The roads were dry, still light out... in fact I was watching the sun go down and thinking how nice it was that the days were getting longer as I viewed the pink sunset. The traffic was light and I moved! I did swerve once on the highway on a corner so I reduced my speed to increase safety. I listened to CBC/Shift on the drive and when they started to tell the 5:00pm news as I made the turn off US Highway 1A to head to the border crossing, I kind of freaked out! My clock said 4:55pm but they were about to start the news, so someone was wrong!

I was only minutes from home! I WOULD make it!!! I was low on fuel (again!) and had no extra cash, I didn't know if I could make it back to the Woodstock crossing. I live pay day to pay day and most of the time it was OK but when things went wrong... it could make me mental! The side road to the border was a bit icy and after another slide I pulled up to the Orient/Fosterville border crossing between the USA and Canada.

 

Len outside our customs building

Through the border

OH NO!!! The gates were pulled across, the lights flashing and giant STOP signs looking at me. My heart dropped! Well, maybe playing stupid and explaining my predicament would convince the Americans to let me drive the wrong way through THEIR gate! I parked Buddy, motor running, lights on, door open and ran up to the US guards door. He pushed open his window and told me I was out of luck, I couldn't use the phone, it didn't matter that my clock was slow and he really did NOT care what I had to say. I couldn't believe it! No amount of tears, anxiety, the fact that I was about a mile from my house, could convince him. He wouldn't even let me use the phone! 

I was devastated! I had spent the last hour worked up in such a state of angst, hurrying and stress that I completely lost it. I sat in the truck, turned off the motor and lights and proceeded to bawl my eyes out! Yup, heaving, hiccuping and quivering lips! Eventually I started the truck and slowly drove away. I knew that nothing I did would convince them to assist me. I was no one. At the most they maybe saw me as a terrorist. Someone who was going to illegally enter Canada and bake bread to poison the masses! 

Shoe Tree on the way to Houlton

As I drove away I thought I would pull over and borrow a phone at one of the houses along the road. I couldn't. There was no way I could make it up to the door and ask to use a phone without completely heaving and crying again. Instead I drove back to Houlton, slower this time and by the time I passed the shoe tree and reached Hodgon road I had regained control of my emotions. I decided to head BACK to the Irving station and see if I could use a phone. No, I don't have a cell phone. No, there are no pay phones ANYWHERE and YES I needed to call home.

When I got to the gas station the attendant said "Hey! You're back!" I said, sighing heavily, "Yes... I didn't make it. Well, that's not true, I just made it there two minutes late and had to turn back." She said, "No way!" Me, "way". Then, I asked if I could use the store's phone to make a long distance call to Canada to let my family know where I was. I had $2 US and could pay for the call. She was very sweet and said, "No, just use my cell phone." AH!!!! Thank you sweet girl!

I then called home, to my agitated children to explain today's drama from their mama. They were glad to hear from me and I was relieved to find out that Rachel had made it home (she had tutoring and I hadn't been able to phone her ride.) I hung up, my relief showing in my face as the checkout girl smiled and I told her how grateful I was to be able to use her phone. I then confided in her, that over an hour before, when at the station, I had to pee and still hadn't gone! She laughed and I went to the restroom. WOW what a relief!

Ten minutes later, I sat at the Woodstock border crossing, again and had to explain to the border guard why I was there. He went through all my receipts, looked at me like I was a bit of a nut and let me back into my home country. Sometimes, there is nothing like coming home! I had left Canada 2 hours before and was no closer to my farm. 

I had to go back to town, return some items I had purchased so that I could get more fuel to get back to Fosterville and by 7pm was on the road again. The Hwy 540 had NEVER looked so good! I pulled up to my house at about 7:45pm, tired, cold, hungry and in pain. I guess during the last few hours I had tensed up a bit and my old neck injury from the trip across Canada had flared up.

All I wanted was to get into my jammies, have a bowl of mini wheats for supper and go to bed. Wednesday, could have been a do over and do different! What is the moral of this story? You can't bluff your way through a closed border crossing!

Today is the first day of the rest of my life!

Today school reopened in New Brunswick and grudgingly the girls got up, prepared for school and exited on the bus. Although it was New Years Day a week ago, it feels like today to me. We are now back into routine, have a schedule and can plan for the upcoming year.

I haven't set any resolutions but do have some goals. Is that the same? I don't think so. A resolution is broken as soon as I forget or breakdown. Where as a goal is something that I continually work toward and if I forget or break, well I just keep moving forward. It may be semantics, but feels positive and I am going with it!

It is Monday, early afternoon. I was supposed to go to Glenn and Edna's today to clean and had fully planned on it. However, after I got up to start to get ready I just felt so blah, low energy, not up to par, that I called to ask if I could go tomorrow instead. Glenn was very supportive and said yes. No, there is not really anything "wrong" with me, I just feel like I needed a bit of time alone, recuperate after the kids went back to their lives. Time to get a few things in order myself and allow me to get on track for the new year. So, thank you Glenn, I shall be there tomorrow with bells on! (OK not really bells, but I made some split pea and ham soup and will bring some to Edna!)

I am the parent who counts down to school reopening. That always brings up parental comments like "Oh, I love my kids and having them at home." Um, I don't remember saying I don't love my kids? Or the comments like "I wish they could be home everyday!" Sorry, I don't. Now, I never used to understand that from parents when my first was a baby, but I do now. Wanting them at school doesn't mean I don't love them, it doesn't mean I don't want them around. My comments about school reopening, means that we have had some fun, slept in, great heart to hearts with everyone, time to regenerate for the next term and we will enjoy the next break. My comments about returning to school means, I love them, (um, duh?) it means that a schedule and routine are part of a healthy life style, that time apart is positive for growth - for us all, time with friends instead of mom is necessary socially and that they need to start to do stuff for themselves again. It is very easy to revert into the "Mom!" "What?" "I need..." "It's by the... Oh, I'll just do it myself!" pattern. The  kids of course are great manipulators and get me almost every time. So, onto the new year, for them and me! Love you babies! Now, go catch that bus!

My goals for the new year are achievable, positive and measurable. I am almost afraid to write them down because then someone, likely my family, will say "I thought you were going to do ... less, or .... more?" Please refrain from that husband and children! I do need to write them down to compare how I have done and remember what they are. Just note that they are GOALS based on my definition and not RESOLUTIONS!

Do I have to explain this?

1. Less Facebook - possible, achievable, but do I want to? I realized a few weeks ago that since I don't have many face to face friends where I am, I do look to Facebook for friendship/conversation. I can still do that, but need to set boundaries. IE: when doing work, writing or websites, turn FB OFF!
2. Write more - deeper content - I recently had the opportunity to work on a book/biography for someone as the writer. I was incredibly inspired and motivated and began my research. Although I want to write something longer and have a novel on the back burner, I thought that this genre may be easier to do since I can use facts, history, interviews, etc. as well as a personal narrative while writing. I was SO psyched for this! Sadly, we have had to put that on the back burner for awhile, but I am still here when the subject is ready to move forward. In the meantime, I need to write... so I will start hacking away at my book. I am thinking a schedule will help for that! 
3. Publishing: I plan to submit at least one article to a magazine, one poem to a contest and MAYBE a short story as well.  I also plan to self-publish my poetry. I don't expect great sales but will be putting together a little book for under $20 and hope to have some artwork and photography in it. (Please feel free to preorder!)
4. Although I am a very busy person, I do take personal time. I am not physically active enough and yes my weight has risen (please inform my mom, this is something she always asks me! That is another story though.) I am not as concerned about weight as health. I can be thin. I have been thin. I don't care to starve myself or exercise excessively to be that way. We eat a pretty healthy diet, don't eat out and not much processed food. I do need more energy though. The lack of energy which I am still working on a solution to, has held me back and caused me to become less active. I do know that increasing activity increases energy, so that is on the list. I guess I will pack in the porch full of wood this afternoon!
5. Get my personal affairs in order. I am notorious for not completing paperwork or financial records. I will work myself up into such a tizzy that I can't even move forward and get so overwhelmed I will walk away. It doesn't seem to matter if this causes me to be short of money or not, I just go BLANK. My goal - get things in order. Get things off my plate that don't need to be there and that will ultimately improve my financial and mental health. 
6. 4-H - very excited about this! My friend Anita and I have started 4-H in the neighbourhood so that our children have some opportunities without us having to travel. Our little club is growing and the kids seem excited, this is a FUN project!
7. Improve our farm. I need to have a better garden this year. I am thinking less variety more of what grew well and store it away for winter. I do preserve, but I get behind and that evil anxiety shuts me down ... so, stop it Sarah! Plan, complete, store! I CAN DO IT! We are also hoping to start our bee hives this year and have recently decided to get meat birds. I was concerned about meat birds since they grow so quickly and practically fall over when ready for the freezer but I have found more palatable and responsible growth options. We will pasture our meat birds, let them grow a little slower, instead of 6 weeks, we are going to try 8-10 weeks. Based on my research it is possible! Eggs, Meat Birds and Honey = REVENUE. The bee hives can be put in Luki's pasture so they are protected from bears and predators. It should all work and more market products!

Jessica - 4-H President

You see now why I need to increase my energy - lots of work coming up. The farm market is slow this time of year and we are somewhat in hibernation mode. Len is completing my pantry room - big room, shelves, cooking equipment - almost like a butlers pantry! This will help restore order so that the house feels less chaotic.

So, to 2012, I say, bring it on baby! I can do this and it is going to be a GREAT year! Now, I better get those dishes done, wood packed and maybe the floor scrubbed while I have the house to myself. Have a great day!

Holiday no man's land

Today is Thursday, December 29, 2011. Christmas is over, New Years is still a few days away and those bargain hunters have already hit the malls for the big boxing day sales. Some people are back to work either for the whole week or a day or two between more statutory days off. For the employee without benefits or who work in a 24/7 business they have traded days and altered schedules to get some family time. For me, it is Thursday which means baking day for tomorrow's farm market.

I look back on last years Christmas which was quiet, our first alone without any extended family and not really any friends to share the day with. We had no living room and very little in the way of furniture so we crammed the dining table, Christmas tree, chairs, gifts - what we had - all into the small dining room off the kitchen. It was cozy, we dressed it up, but it did fall a bit flat for us all. Yet at the same time, it was peaceful and we were together, warm, in our own home and we were beginning our own traditions.

This year was different. I made a commitment to my family that we WOULD have a living room this year. Yes, there would be a TV (maybe not hooked up to satellite, but a TV), sofa's and a tree in the room for us to enjoy. In November I discovered that I could put furniture on lay-a-way at Home Hardware/Home Furniture. I loved this idea! I could get the sale, pick what I want, pay within 3 months for pick up AND get Aeroplan miles. It seemed like a no brainer!

Of course I then had to work my butt off to pay for them. I dragged Len in - he did not kick and scream but you could see him groaning and wishing he could be elsewhere in his mind. He is good though, he came along, but was not big on giving me much feedback. We did agree on one thing - no fabric sofa's. With the kids, the farm and the potential of discoloured furniture that would not come clean, we agreed on leather. 

Yes, I loved the giant plush leather sofa's with the recline options and drink holders. I do have good taste - just not a big budget, so I quickly walked away from anything that looked as soft as butter and had a warm creamy leather texture.

Off we went to the sale section. I was thrilled to find I could get two leather three seater pieces for an incredibly reasonable price, the pieces were attached so none of that annoying sliding off the couch, or losing coins between the cushions. My only worry was that the set was too small. It looked so lost in the furniture store with the mammoth sets surrounding it.

For the month of November and December I worked hard, had baking orders, didn't plan much for Christmas for the girls because if we had a living room that was going to hit and beyond on the normal budget. I did pick them up a few things along the way that I thought they would like - for the most part I was right and a few things got the look - "Who are you Grandma? I would never use this!" with a laugh at my senility.

I have to admit that in the midst of all this I kind of forgot my loving husband and didn't get him much. (He does have about a year's supply of licorice though!) I don't worry much about spousal gifts - every year I tell Len that I would rather just have food, alcohol, fun and get the kids some stuff. I am not a wife who gets mad about the wrong gift or no gift, that is just not me.

Well, as you may recall, Len was away for a week, we were in a deep freeze in New Brunswick and I was very busy with last minute baking orders as well as the farm, kids and travel to get him from the airport. I was also sick for about 4 days, not completely sick, but enough to slow me down and make everything an effort. 

I was very grateful when two days before Len was to return from BC he called and suggested that we book a hotel for the night he arrived home so that I did not have to deal with night weather. Considering the fact that I had to make two trips to Fredericton that day, had been up until 2am the night before and he did not arrive until after midnight - I quickly said YES! Yes! 

During my multiple trips to Fredericton on the Wednesday of pick up we had a storm. Awful weather! Everything you could think of starting with blinding bright sun, dark gray sky, freezing rain, thick snow, ice, rain and slush on the road. I was exhausted!

The next day we had to rush back from Fredericton since I had an order to get out that day and had to bake the rest of my orders for the following day. I was up again for half the night, up early in the morning to bake pies and pack and decorate to deliver to my customers. 

By the time we left home, with the truck full and me mentally counting the cash on hand, in the bank and the funds coming in from the orders of the day, I knew I had JUST enough money to buy one sofa - not two. I had realized a day before that this was the case and decided I was still achieving the dream - meeting my promise of a living room and we would have a cozy Christmas. (Of course accomplishing this left me short for the Christmas turkey and a few other things like fuel, was a bit panicky... yet I was sure it would all come together!)

We finally left home to drive to market - it was 10am and snowing hard. We were late and I hoped that my message to the market and my customers would either have them wait for me or come back... (heart fluttery and anxiety setting in). The drive was horrendous and at any other time I would have turned around to go home. I was so tired, I had bags under the bags of my red rimmed eyes. If one didn't know better they would have thought I just traveled across the country and was dealing with the time change rather than Len. 

We finally got to the market, only slid and almost hit the ditch once, love my repaired 4x4! We no sooner pulled up to the market then Glenn came out to help take stuff in and in his own words so eloquently said "Where the hell ya been? People have been here for you!" I said "Oh Glenn! Will they come back???" He figured most would since they did read the Facebook status update on our group. There were also several people waiting for me and in a matter of minutes almost all of my trays went out hand to hand to the customers and I had a pocket full of cash.

Three trays left... without those trays I would not make the payment by noon to the furniture store to make delivery that afternoon. I stood by Len and Glenn and pulled out my piece of paper and counted and calculated and figured and panicked... At this point my heart was beating faster, my breath shallow and my mind manic... I had to do it! This was all I wanted for Christmas, to give my family a living room!

I was beating myself up since the week before I bought a TV for the house. It was our first TV since the move and I had to grab the deal since a 32" Phillips flat screen LED TV was on for only $218! That however, had left me short for today. I finally asked Len if I could borrow a few dollars until later in the day when my customers came. I really wanted to do this on my own, for our family and was disappointed to have to ask him for help. 

He lives on a minimum pension and there is not much left for him after the mortgage, plus he had just been to BC. What if he said no???? I finally started to ask him, fear rising in my throat, what if...? Of course, being the kind, loving, caring man he was and seeing how hard I was working for it, he said "of course."

Sometimes, I wonder why I think it will be bad? I have nothing to worry about with him, he is a great guy, loves me tons, even thought I was beautiful standing there in front of him, harried with almost no sleep, jeans tucked into my chicken shit boots that had I had not had time to clean, red flaky eyes and shuddering breath... He is definitely a keeper!

Len asked Glenn to watch our table and I gave him the who's who on orders and we walked to the furniture store down the street. I was so grateful to him for helping me and knew that I could pay him right back. My heart was racing since we had to pay the store by 12 noon and it was 11:45 and stormy and snowy... what if they had cancelled deliveries or left early?

Fortunately we found the right clerk and he assured us that the truck had not left, deliveries were being made and they would only charge $30 (which for where we live is an amazing price!) As the sales clerk rang up the till and I gave her all of my cash, then my debit, it was now Len's turn. He asked her how much was left - only $130. ( I was so close!)

He then said "No, for the other sofa too." She told him... He said "Add it on the truck and I will pay for that too." I was stunned! I looked at him and he turned to me, smiled and said, "Merry Christmas, I love you honey." I was speechless... but not for long, I was so overwhelmed, I said, "What? You don't have to do that!" Him, "I want to , this is my gift to you, I love you." Waaahhh!

I told him I was going to cry, at which point the sales clerk said no, or she would cry too... sorry, can't help it! Tears of joy welled up in my eyes, my throat unlocked and out poured my release, my happiness, my love for him. No, it wasn't about stuff, it was about working together, my wanting to do this for our family so bad and his opening his heart (and wallet) to help me. I love you my handsome!

I didn't stop crying all day, every time I told someone or thought about it, or looked at him with all my love - CRY! Happy tears though. I have wept enough sad ones in my life and today it was pure unadulterated love for him.

Needless to say, the children were thrilled and loved it. We have a living room! We have a room that is not stored with junk or boxes, it contains a brand new TV, two beautiful black leather sofa's, a gorgeous Christmas tree and the home theatre system that Santa brought for Christmas. More than all that, the living room contains our family. The people I love most in the world. It has been a beautiful Christmas, it was white with fresh snow, warm with wood burning in the fire, loving surrounded by the people who mean most.

The final piece to this story... Len has now been the biggest user of our couches. Sadly he turned to get grain for the goat on Christmas night and put his back out just before dinner. He was in excruciating pain and spent the next two and a half days pretty much laid up on his back... on the sofa enjoy the TV and movies! Wow, so glad it all worked out! I am also happy to say that he is up and moving around again and so long as he takes it easy and keeps the Superman cape off for awhile longer, he should continue to improve! (Love you my handsome!)

I hope you all had an amazing holiday 

filled with ordinary miracles that fill our lives.

 Happy New Year for 2012!

The most wonderful time ... of the year!

"It's the most wonderful time of the year 
With the kids jingle belling
And everyone telling you "Be of good cheer" 
It's the most wonderful time of the year 
It's the hap-happiest season of all
With those holiday greetings and gay happy meetings 
When friends come to call 
It's the hap- happiest season of all " 1963

This song came to mind as I was beginning this blog and I was surprised to see that it was only written in 1963. You see, to me, it has always been around and I thought it was a very old song. I was born in 1966 and this was already a classic - does that make me a classic now too?

Today is December 18, 2011. It is shortly after 9am, as I sit in my old tattered overstuffed chair next to the wood stove crackling in the kitchen. I can see the sun get higher over the horizon, the sky clear blue with a hint of yellow as the sun rises in the sky. The earth is frozen, it is -17c now, not sure how cold it got during the night but it must have dipped close to -20c. The power was out for 5 hours, fortunately we were sleeping during that time, all snuggled all warm in our beds.

Len is in BC visiting with family for an early Christmas and won't be home until the 22nd. I am farming on my own while he is gone. Therefore when the morning starts I can't crawl straight back into my big comfy bed, covered by quilts and appreciating that I don't have to drive off to work. No, I get up, stoke the stove, wake up kids, prep them for school, wave goodbye to the bus at 7:15am, then pull on my coop boots, scarf, work gloves and coat to head out and check on my livestock - then if I don't have to go anywhere I might crawl back under the covers.

Jessica's Christmas card to me!
Perfect - I LOVE IT!

The routine goes something like this: feed Luki our Great Pyrenees dog first, lead him off with the bowl outside Len's studio so that he does not get agitated when any other creatures head near his food. He runs to his bowl, sniffs, then looks up for a scratch and a cuddle. He doesn't feel the sub zero temperatures with his thick double coat of fur. While he eats - sometimes allowing the cat, Finnegan 2 to share his bowl, I head off to set up the other creatures for the day.

First, I take out the frozen water from the chicken coop and put it in Len's studio to thaw. Then I give them some fresh water to work on while the big water feeder warms up. I fill their feeder and have a look around for loose eggs. All breeds are laying now, although intermittently due to the weather and some of the Rhode Island Reds seem to like laying the eggs on the floor. Most of the birds lay later in the day, but I try to get the floor eggs asap. It is then time to check on Freya, my pregnant goat. She is bleating... "mmuuummm, muuummm" , yes even the goat calls me MUUUM! I grab a few flakes off the hay bale and put it in her manger, stuffed down so she can grab it when she wants it, but not so that it hits the floor because then she won't eat it. (I don't blame her there!) I break the ice in her water, either dump it and refill or just crack it up so she can get it... depends on the morning.

I then head back to Luki, hug and cuddle, grab his bowl and put it away for the day. Now that he is fed I can let Freya and the chickens out. Although it is beyond freezing the birds like to go out since there is not much snow left on the ground. 

All that done, it is time to head in for a hot cup of coffee. I love my Reunion Island Privateer Dark fair trade organic coffee... .mmm! If I don't have to go anywhere I just might spike it with my home made Sherman's Irish Cream. YUM! 

This morning after I am done, I have to zip up the hill to the Fosterville Baptist Church to get Jessica from Sunday School. She goes each week from 9 to 10am and gets a ride there with a neighbour/Sunday school teacher. Thanks Louise! Some weeks she stays after to attend church service, but not today. 

Last night we went to bed very late, after decorating the tree and watching the Polar Express and then Elf - fun get in the spirit - Christmas movies. They are favourites at our house. It was not easy to get her out of bed today, but she had to go since tonight is the church Christmas concert and she is in the Christmas story.

Since there are only 5 regular kids in the Sunday school and one who attends when she is in town, there are not many too choose from for parts. Jess is discouraged that she has to play Joseph, but I told her, at least you get a part and to speak. She is mostly disappointed that she has to wear an "ugly brown robe and a towel on my head". This from a girl who is ten and very girly! Oh well, it is a half hour of your life and we will video tape it to send to the grandparents! After the play and concert there are refreshments so I guess this afternoon we will make some sugar cookies to take along.

As I said, it is the "most wonderful time of the year", not because of presents, it is the spirit in the air. I feel sad for people who focus so much on gifts. Yes, I get distressed when I struggle to get some things for my kids, but they know it is usually stuff they need and a few fun things they want - it has never been nor will ever be much of a big department store Christmas. This year I think since Rachel is 17 there will be a few gifts - things to take when she moves out and some cash to get what she decides she wants. Jess is still doable at ten... but it certainly does get more difficult.

I am excited since I bought a TV on Friday and we watched movies on it last night. We have not had a TV for over a year and a half and no furniture, cable, etc. We have only had our computers. So my good friends at Bell, will head out tomorrow morning to hook up satellite for us which will be really weird after so long without.

I am 90% positive we will have our new sofa's for Christmas. I figure if I go pay most of it, MAYBE a post dated cheque for the rest and perhaps flash a little cleavage they might deliver before Christmas! (Hmmm maybe I better put the cleavage away? That works in the city but not so sure out here in the bible belt! Besides the cleavage is also aging and saggy and nothing says sexy like wrinkly boobs.)

It is a goal and that will be my happy Christmas - us sitting in our living room - I am painting the ugly fuchsia wall white today - I look forward to waking up Christmas morning, next to our beautiful tree, fire place burning, TV playing Christmas tunes, drinking our Irish cream and coffees and  being grateful to be together.

Len, I miss you my darling, but you will be home soon and I am so happy you were able to head west for a visit! We are all well here and the kids only have a few days of school left. They attend until noon on Friday, December 23rd, which seems very weird!

Retirement cake for the Farm Market cook

I have a few baking orders left for this week and have the farm market Friday morning. Wednesday night at midnight, weather permitting, I shall head to the Fredericton airport to retrieve Farmer Sherman and happily hug him in front of all the late night travelers. Well, I had better run, it is time to get Jessica from Sunday school and I think the old diesel, Buddy, will need a few minutes to thaw out! At least it is warming up - only -16c now!

Have a wonderful day everyone! MERRY CHRISTMAS!

The countdown to Christmas

House warming cake
for good friends!

Christmas is apparently only days away and everyone is rushing around getting ready for it. I am plodding towards it since there is no way to keep it away. I love Christmas and all that goes with it. It isn't really about the presents, but the gatherings, food, drink and fun. Of course the kids love presents but now I realize how it was for my parents as I got older and it was harder to please me - oh it was possible, but financially a nightmare. Try to keep a teen happy on the same budget you can make a 5 year old happy with - next to impossible! Then of course we are away from family which is very noticeable this time of year.

Now is when I regret (only slightly) not having a traditional 40hr week decent paying job to make all their "dreams" come true. As excited as the girls are getting about Christmas they know it is not going to be extravagant, they know they will get things they like, some they wanted on their lists and some that is just from their "crazy mom". As for family out west, I have made everyone's gifts - so SURPRISE!

Jess's 10th birthday

Yesterday, as I was in the porch, I heard Jess tell Rachel that she "knew what mom was getting me for Christmas!" I was a little shocked since I have no clue what I am getting.... Rachel said, "What?" Jessica said, "A living room and a TV!" Well, I laughed and thought cool! That was not even too selfish! Of course then I trembled knowing I might not be able to make it happen as much as I am trying. I love the words that come out of the mouths of babes! (and the added pressure)

I looked at my blog and realized that I haven't posted anything since Rachel's birthday over 1 month ago. I then looked at my log of the blog and saw that three times I had started to write but never finished. None of the writing seemed very inspired or profound, so delete, delete, delete... In fact, I am not sure if I will even post this.

Birthday Cake

Kids Halloween Party

Maybe it is the seasons changing, the darker days, the snow on the ground and the upcoming holidays, however, I have felt very little creativity. It feels forced, uninteresting, boring and maybe my little life at writing is over? I have written an outline and premise for my potential novel, but, I am afraid to start, what if it is another thing I can't finish? Does that make me a failure? Does that mean that I am unable to complete a task and I am just another hack without any talent? Could be.

I have taken time over the past month to reach out to my friends and have long deep chats. Apparently men don't understand that concept. My husband thinks we just gab all day on the phone and men don't do that. True, men don't, but maybe they should? Maybe if men sat and talked about their lives, family, feelings and emotions more ... nah, then we would NEVER get to use the phone!

No calories!

Christmas baking tray

My latest thing is to decorate cakes and now to do baking trays for Christmas. The cake decorating has all been free so far with the exception of the wedding at Thanksgiving. The baking trays are picking up and I am hoping to sell some more for Christmas money. I have put a sofa set on lay a way and need to give Santa a hand paying for it so it can be put under my tree! So, chocolate and cookies anyone?

Ready to serve!

If I never write again due to complete writers block

 or if Christmas comes before I put my hands to the keyboard again, 

I wish you all a VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS!

long days of winter - December 8, 2011

i can't write
i don't care
nothing comes to me
my mind is bare

thoughts are blank
empty, void, alone
brain feels dark, dank
cold and hollow

it seeps up on me
i don't know its coming
i can hardly see
i am surrounded

desolate and sad
heaviness in my heart
when did it come?
why did it start?

what is it exactly?
stress? pressure?
how can good go bad?
hollow beyond measure

it will lift
i will rise
but am i lost
in their eyes?

sarah sherman (C)