Saturday, October 23, 2010

Star Light, Star Bright, I wish I may, I wish I might...

Small glint of light
Streaks across the universe;
Thoughts dispell in awe.
- Pleione
The lights are turned down, everyone is in bed, asleep... As we are all on the same floor with intersecting rooms, I listen to heavy breathing, light snoring, sleep talking, night mares and the occasional fart. As I make my last waking trip to the bathroom I check on all my loved ones, cover them for warmth and look at the faces soft and relaxed in sleep.

I close my book and roll over to look at the night sky and observe the stars and moon... During summer nights I watched bats fly swiftly catching the bloody mosquitoes. On a clear night I can almost see the constellations. On a cloudy night I see the shadows of the trees and little sky. No matter how I am feeling I allow myself to feel small, inconsequential, almost invisible. At the same time I realize that the night is the same everywhere, no matter what time zone, the same moon and stars look down on the East and the West. I will miss the opportunity to watch the night from the window behind me and beside me when I finally have a bedroom.

Life seemed so simple when I was small and I wished on a star every night... At 8 years old I wished for a million dollars every night (it never came true)... At 28 years old I wished for my baby's health (she was a beautiful infant as she is a beautiful teen)... At 44 years old I wish for peace and happiness in my girls future (I await anxiously for this)... 

I hope they will never know how much sacrifice it takes to be a parent or how many nights I have cried for them, their worries, their sorrow, their dreams... I wish that they never experience the griefand loss that I have felt, I wish for them a life of success, security and unconditional love. I look at the stars and thank the universe for our health and home and  I hope that one day my girls  will truly appreciate what they have had as children and know that no matter what, all I have ever wanted is what is best for them.

Every mother wants to give every thing to her child... We want to withhold their pain, take them everywhere they want to go, give them every physical thing they wish for... Yet we know if we give them all they ask for they will not learn or grow. It takes all my strength to say no when it is not safe or to hold consistently to that path even when it is not popular. 

One day I pray they will be parents who love and care for their children with all of their heart but will not have to experience the anguish... but,  I don't think that is possible ... I think every parent suffers heart break as they parent their child. Some days I can't wait for the moment to come when this awful stage ends and then I am sad that it is over so quickly. I think of how that baby crying endlessly at night kept me up and I just wished she would stop. Now I wish she would let me hold her while she cries and pat her back, hushing softly that everything will be OK. I remember wishing she would learn to walk, then telling her to slow down... 

I loved those moments where my daughter thought I was smart, beautiful and admired me. I hope that one day we will meet somewhere in the middle again, but in the meantime I will remember the words from a poem that one of my girls read to me and reminds me of when I feel down...The irony is the words she reads to me are exactly how I feel about her...

My Mother...

My wonderful mother
Never grows old,
Her smile is like sunshine
Her heart is of gold;
Her eyes are like stars,
They shine so you see
I love my mother,
She's precious to me!

Next time I shall continue on my journey... For now I needed to take a moment to reflect on my life as the moon reflects on the water at night.... G'night all!