Hellooo... are you still out there? It's been a long time since I popped in to say HI!
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| Trip calls Daisy "The Mandala Queen" hmmmm I have fun! |
I have had so much on my mind lately and so many thoughts whirling through my head... I have written some "longish" Facebook posts but that doesn't really encapture what is happening in my heart. I have been considering coming back to my blog, it has been awhile ... actually almost 3 years! That surprised me, but then... it didn't... The past three years have been an emotional roller coaster and although I have been on Facebook, I realize I have withdrawn a lot from the rest of the world.
So much has happened and my life has changed exponentially - I don't think I am who I was even 3 years ago... My world has turned upside down and my emotions have definitely got the better of me - frequently. When you view another person's world on social media it can appear much better than it is, or much worse... I am guilty of that, probably over dramatizing some events that really weren't so bad and over exposing some events for being better than they actually were. I am trying to find and define the "new me," the who I "want to be."
I decided I need to express my thoughts, more fully again. Feel free to read on or to determine at this point you have had enough. I will completely understand! I relate to feeling that some people overshare and if you think that, it won't hurt my feelings if you quietly drift into the background and ignore my rambling... I am also frequently surprised at how many connect with my words and who may be going through something similar... For you, please stay with me and let's figure out where we are together!
I realize that none of us ever really knows all that someone else is going through and when they appear to be doing fabulous they may really be barely holding it together inside. In reverse there may be those who always complain but really have a pretty good life, even though they have had some rough times and those are always under the surface, life is trying to help them heal, they simply have to let it. I think my personal mantra is... Let it go... Try not to let others pull you down.
I guess we each, have to decide on our own how we deal with things. Who are we today? How are we going to cope? Are we going to accept that life can be awful but try to find the good? Or are we going to allow ourselves to wallow in self pity and personally destruct? If you know me at all you know that platitudes and simple phrases made when someone does not know what else to say - shut me down. I guess it is a flaw, I don't know. I would rather someone say - I am so sorry, that is awful, I truly believe things will improve and wish you the best... Or even "I have no words, but I am here for you." Over someone not knowing what to say and saying some simplistic "the sun'll come out tomorrow" type of platitude. I do realize they are trying to help, but often it doesn't feel that way and I seriously feel myself cringe.
Anyway, I digress! This first blog back into the forum of sharing is more general. There are things I want to say but they involve others and I need their approval to discuss. There are other things that simply affect me and I shall blather uncontrollably as need be. Again, stop reading at anytime!
My personal growth and life learning lessons - I suffer from PTSD - Post Traumatic Stress Disorder/Disease. Generally I cope pretty well and I have moved on enough that I can usually manage my symptoms. At other times, I find it completely debilitating. I am unable to move more than required to survive. I let things go around me. I breathe heavily and dramatically and probably sound like a crazy woman. I find food either something to simply survive or as a means of trying to fill an empty void which leaves me feeling even worse. I don't want to see people or talk to them and avoid the phone - communicate in messaging or emails. I either feel exhausted or can't sleep. I am emotional and withdrawn. Weeks can go by in an instant and I miss deadlines. The least provocation can trigger memories and pain that I had believed were gone. Often I put on a brave face to hide my crazy.
This is something that will probably always be my albatross. It will pull me down when life gets rough and when things go smoothly it will make me wonder what my problem was. I love deeply. I hurt even deeper. When I feel a loss it is with every fibre of my being and each breath makes me grieve the emptiness. I want so much to accomplish certain tasks and get excited but the energy to complete them evades me. My anxiety is palpable and I dread simple tasks such as opening the mail; answering the phone; avoiding all conflict. Depression, I guess it is, but I just feel worn out. The ability to achieve my goals is out of my depth.
For example, when I was 30 I lost a dear friend and my heart was broken. I cried every day for a year, I started to cry in the shower so no one heard me and hoping the warm water would clear my ravaged face. My guilt, my pain, was so deep that I couldn't even speak the friends name... 20 plus years later we reconnected but I still wear that grief. More recently I was doing some web work for another friend and we worked cohesively for months getting through it. Then one day, I realized that weeks had gone by and I hadn't fulfilled my part of the bargain. There were changes to be made and I could not even open the email. I started to wake up panicking during the night, in a sweat, worried, afraid I had failed her too. Finally one day I wrote her an email to explain my fears and how I had literally LOST time. We are fine, but it took me a long time to address it and to ask her forgiveness, she said I didn't need it, we would get back to it. I once again slept through the night. These are small examples of how much I hold in and how it stops me from living. PTSD? I think so.
I have once again put measures into place to help me get through but some days are tough and others flow beautifully. Since I have basically given up working to care for my soulmate I have started to be creative in other ways, simple ways but they are calming and help me relax.
I am working on myself in my own way. I am trying to concentrate on how to make the world around me a better place. I want to be kinder, more empathetic, to everyone, not just people I like. (I think that is easy, but it is much tougher to be kind to someone who pushes your buttons.) I avoid gossip and hate seeing mean people on social media. I am always amazed at how someone can be so cutting, cruel and try to diminish another person. I just don't get it. I am not referring to political posts but to personal posts with someone you know. Clearly when people are mean on Facebook, etc. they are NOT your friend! I honestly don't see the purpose, yes you can think things in your head, but we do have a filter for a reason and we don't always have to express our thoughts, particularly if they are unkind. I, like most other people, read posts and think, SERIOUSLY? Why is this person sharing this? MAYBE they have nowhere else to go at that moment. MAYBE they feel alone, lost and rather than kicking them when they are down, do what Mom used to say "If you have NOTHING nice to say, don't say ANYTHING at all."
I am going to write again and share thoughts and you feel free to read them or not, agree or not, but let's agree not to be mean, ok? Because I truly believe, KINDNESS MATTERS!
Peace, Sarah aka Daisy