Autumn and Angels...

Giving thanks - it was a good day! #tripndaisy777

This week had several hot and humid days that marked the end of summer. Yesterday it was much cooler and last night or early this morning I woke up at 5:30AM cold and unable to get back to sleep. I added another blanket to my bed, then a little later I put on my flannel pj's but the cold had seeped into my bones and sleep was gone. As I prepared to write this blog, I checked the weather network and now I know why I was so cold... the temperature was 4C at 5AM! Brr!!! They are calling for a long cold winter so I guess it is almost September, goodbye August! 

Autumn is my favourite time of year. I love the feel of the sun but relish the crispness in the air. The leaves turning and crunching under my feet make me feel alive. Len has 3 more chemo treatments, starting this week again and I am going to enjoy the long drives down country roads surrounded by trees on our way to the hospital. Some people journey to the Maritimes for the fall foliage, I simply go to town. I try to find the joy in the moments and be grateful for what I have. Our world has changed dramatically since this time last year we were headed to Newfoundland.

This summer has been unusual, I have been less busy than normal and feel like I have so much time on my hands. With the time I have you would think I had accomplished more, yet I feel as though I have been very lazy. I realize that I can't get too involved in much though because then my attention wanders for too long from Len and I forget to ensure he is keeping his intake up for food, drink, meds, etc. So, I am giving myself a pass on laziness and hope that it does not become a habit.

#spreadthelove #hippiehangout

Fortunately the last few weeks of my completely focusing on him and putting all else aside, is working! This week we checked his weight and he is up 9 pounds from August 16th when he was down to a frightening 131 pounds. He is now a "fit" 140 again and I hope to increase that a little more by next week when he starts chemo again. His blood work all came back as normal as well, so this break has done him a world of good! I am happy to report that his energy is up as and he has been able to walk more "laps" around the house, and paint more hearts of gratitude for the hippie hangout! Many of the hearts have been purchased at $5 each towards our journey but there have been some people we wanted to recognize for their support and they have been added as well!

A "short" story to end my update... Each Monday the nurse comes to the house and flushes Len's PICC line, takes his blood, checks his blood pressure, which has been a concern and then I drive his blood up to the hospital, do errands, see my daughter and head home again. This week Len was feeling pretty good and he thought he might come with me. I wasn't sure he was quite there yet and so I encouraged him to stay home and rest a bit more before travelling to/from town. Let me tell you, that was the right decision!

The weather on Monday was lovely, warm but not too hot, a nice breeze and clear skies. I drove up to the hospital, deposited his samples and headed back to the parking lot. I was feeling good and looking forward to having a coffee with my daughter in Woodstock. I put the key in the ignition and attempted to start my truck. Nothing. The lights came on, so I didn't think it was the battery but all I heard was one small click and the motor was silent. I waited, tried again, and again, and again. After about 5 minutes I reached for my cell phone and CAA card to get some help. My bright spirits were fading but still pretty positive.

Wind blown hair and
Parking Lot Sun Tans
 Peace, Daisy

CAA told me it would be 30-45 minutes for the tow truck to arrive and give me a boost. I was pretty sure the issue was deeper than that, but hopeful, so I put the windows down, relaxed and enjoyed the day. As I sat in the truck waiting I was relieved that Len had stayed home. I thought about calling him to let him know what was happening but then realized he did not need any extra stress or worry and perhaps all would be well and resolved quickly. After about an hour I had a call from the tow truck company that they had been up river and it would be a few more minutes for them to arrive. 

When the tow truck pulled up, it was Campbell's Towing and Automotive out of Woodstock, who happened to be my mechanic, and where I bought my vehicle and my go to tow guy. I laughed and said, "Me again!" I also suggested a loyalty card - 9 tows and get the 10th free since I seemed to be a frequent customer. He attempted to boost my battery but as I thought, that was not the problem. He predicted it was the starter. Since he already had a car on his flat deck I had to wait for him to take it to Woodstock and return for me. That was another hour. 

An aside from this story but related ... When we bought the truck we got the power train warranty for two years the caveat is - the warranty is only valid IF you maintain regular oil changes - every 10,000km or 6 months, whichever comes first. I KNEW this and I was diligent about it and worked to ensure that I kept up with it because I knew we could NOT afford the repair bills that may be associated with the upkeep of the vehicle. Having said that, we spent six weeks in Saint John during January and February; the winter was hard and long; Len was very sick... Do you get where this is going? 

This Toad Is Getting Towed

I MISSED the oil change and when I finally realized it... it was too late. I was sick with grief over it, my anxiety was rapid and painful - knowing I had caused us extra stress and financial hardship! I felt the depression and guilt suck me up and could only HOPE that we had no vehicle breakdowns. Of course this is unlikely and we did... In May I had to take the truck in for an oil change... finally.. and  I wept in the office at Campbell's as I was sick with self-reproach; of course there was MORE wrong than just an oil change... I cried in Len's hospital room knowing we were entering a rabbit hole and I couldn't see a way out. That repair was expensive but wouldn't have fallen into the coverage anyway, but it was a warning to me... More was to come.

So now my truck was in the shop, they once again gave me a loaner vehicle, which they are so good about, and it looked like it would be about a week to get it back since this was Monday and they couldn't even look at it until Saturday and it was going to be a long weekend... Imagine my surprise when I got a call around noon on Wednesday to advise me my truck was fixed and ready to go! I hadn't shared my transgression with Len because I was hoping it would never be an issue. My angst waiting to hear about the repairs kept me awake at night, again. The call from the shop office blew my socks off!

Now, in addition to the repair there was a noise that needed fixing and I was due for another oil change, so this was added to the full repair. I counted my money to see where I was at and hoped this would not wipe me out. Then the voice of an angel spoke in my ear, "Sarah, your truck is ready." First, I was not expecting it for a week, but what happened next... restored my faith in humanity. "The starter repair was $700 but you only have to pay $150. I got your coverage back." I didn't know what to say, I started to cry, I asked, "How???" She answered, "Well, it took a long time and a few supervisors but I explained your situation, what happened and that you were within you mileage and they reinstated your policy." I AM SO GRATEFUL! What would have been close to $1,000 all together was $343!!! 

Angels do exist! People do care and go out of their way. My heart swelled and my eyes filled and my throat choked with emotion but, the universe, the people in my world, they gave me hope and another chance. Yes, some days are hard, but it has been a good week! Len is healing and ready for more treatments and we KNOW we have got this! My community is kind and giving and my angel worked and advocated on my behalf.

Thank you everyone for your continued love, support, kind words and friendship! The leaves are turning colour and although that signals the end of summer, to me, it signifies the beginning of Len's healing and our continued life and love together. The shop closes up following this weekend and it will be time to get the wood in... Winter is coming!

PS: Did I mention I LOVE Campbell's Automotive and Towing? 

Peace and love,

Daisy

If you are interested in knowing more about Trip 'n Daisy - our alter egos you can find us on Instagram, Facebook, our Website or view our items for sale on Etsy!

Daisy...

My Daisy Charm - Travelling Companion

Daisy - For some reason I seem to identify with the flower - daisy. I LOVE them! I adore Gerbera's - had them all over my wedding to Trip and all colours and sizes! I have multiple table cloths covered in daisies. I have a pot of them in my yard. I love the variety of roadside daisies and I NEVER cut them in my yard, I just let them grow in the grass until they are done! This simple flower makes me happy and we all need to find our happy place. 

Because I feel connected to them on some subliminal level, I decided to look up different definitions and symbolism and this is what I found - do you think it works for me? I really do!

Daisy is a feminine given name, commonly thought to be derived from the name of the flower. The flower name comes from the Old English word dægeseage, meaning "day's eye".[1] The name Daisy is therefore ultimately derived from this source. - wikipedia

Daisies symbolize innocence and purity. ... In Norse mythology, the daisy is Freya's sacred flower. Freya is the goddess of love, beauty, and fertility, and as such the daisy came by symbolize childbirth, motherhood, and new beginnings. Daisies are sometimes given to congratulate new mothers. - ftd.com

Astrological Meaning of Daisies. In the realm of color meanings, the common daisy reveals its symbolic messages with the colors white and yellow. Yellow is symbolic of vitality, radiance, alacrity (quick wit), communication and creativity. White underscores the daisy's meaning of purity, innocence, cleansing. - what's your sign.com

English dæġes ēaġe (“daisy”, literally “day's eye”) due to the flowers closing their blossoms during night. - wikitionary

My annual Goldenrod Tea harvest

What do you think? I think much of this resonates with me, my soul and how I feel. Particularly the last one at the moment, because this blossom needs her sleep and is definitely ready to close at night! I am telling you about the Daisy because if you follow me, you know this is my self chosen hippie name and it makes me happy and feel good! So, when I received a beautiful gift in the mail last week, sent to me from a remote part of Vancouver Island from an old friend who is very dear to me, it brought me joy. It made my spirit light and feel happiness for a few minutes on a day that had been very tough. The adorable figurine arrived by Canada Post in a plain box , wrapped in paper with a beautiful card telling me I was loved. Thank you my dear friend! This gorgeous piece will travel with me in the hippie hangout as I rediscover who I am and hopefully find cleansing of my mind, replenish my vitality and communicate my creativity. The past week was busy and I didn't get to thank you...  

If you have been reading this blog - you know Trip had a rough week. He was very despondent and not sure what to do next and how to go on and that frightened me. I was working on an event (that turned out amazing by the way!) that took me and my attention away from him. This was following the arts festival and company/family visiting and while it was and is all awesome - it was hard for both of us. He needs me and counts on me to be there for him and that is where I want to be, so, I am officially declining further events/bookings/work until we get him back to the healing side and out of treatment. The coffee shop has two more weekends and will remain open until the ice cream sells out but I won't be leaving him much for a while.

Peace & Quiet

I guess for me one of the hardest things was trying to figure out what to do and how to make things work better. I have had fabulous support and help over the past few weeks and that was crucial but it wasn't quite the same. I spent much of last week navigating the medical system, doctors, nurses, receptionists, etc. Everyone has done their best but sometimes things just either get lost or miscommunicated. By Friday I learned the doctor wanted to meet with him prior to proceeding and I waited all day for the Monday appointment time. The phone was in my pocket and never rang.

Watching him get weaker and frustrated and trying to cope wore me down. I was up early Monday and had to call the cancer clinic as soon as it opened at 8AM and I learned that no one called me because no one was there. A slip up on their end and we rectified it immediately but that sort of thing causes anxiety and tension and in someone who is slipping into depression, any extra pressure is too much.

Fortunately we were able to meet with the doctor via a system called Tele-Health - similar to Skype but much more secure I assume. She was good, took more time with us, listened to his concerns and our mutual frustrations as we stressed his need to feel better. I advocated for him and he was strong in his opinions and feelings which I believe were listened to. You don't always feel that way, but I did yesterday. 

Trip testing this years apples

It turned out his white blood cell count is low, his potassium is low and that with his weight loss was to much for him to take treatment this week. Therefore he has been scheduled to start again on September 5th - this will mean he has almost 5 weeks between treatments to build up his strength and complete his last 3 sessions of chemotherapy. I could see his relief immediately. He just needed some time, to have someone understand his situation and allow him a break. We both walked out feeling calmer and stronger I think.

Right now we are resting. Having quiet time together. Setting boundaries and accepting that I am just going to be with him and stop trying to do too much. The house will slowly get into order as I reduce what I do - again. His health will improve as we focus on his meals, calories, healing foods and napping. I will feel better as I take time to just take care of me - I thought I was - but probably not. It is all a journey, one we maneuver together and when we come out the other side our love will have carried us through. It has been a strange summer - less socializing, virtually no lake time, no garden or pots of veggies growing, no canning and although the apple tree is groaning with fruit, we won't be able to pick much of it. I will do up some apples for us and I picked some of my annual goldenrod tea to dry today... but that's it!

http://sarahsherman.myctfocbd.com

I am so grateful for what we have, the people around us, the family in our lives and our children and grandchildren. My mom is amazing and I love her very much. I know sometimes I sound frustrated or short with her and I don't mean to, but I am thinking it is an unconditional love, mother/daughter thing. Yesterday Len/Trip said to me, "I need to talk to your mom." I said, "really?" because I usually do that. He said, "Yes, she is my 'last' mother. I need to let her know I am going to be ok and how you are." I thought that was so sweet... 

Maybe my mom is a Daisy too...

Peace and love,

Daisy

Personal Care Vs. Care Giving

ER - URVH - August 14,2018

The past few weeks have been busy. We host an annual arts festival on our property and while I thought we should forgo it this year, my husband thought we should proceed. He always enjoys the festival, fun and artisans who grace our place. He knew this year he would probably not be able to participate much, if at all. He did encourage me to continue, and I had mixed feelings. On the one hand, it is a lot of work and I would be on my own do it. On the other hand it is a great time, wonderful positive energy and if the weather cooperates, satisfied artisans and hundreds of people attending.

We decided to proceed. I am grateful and regretful. Mixed feelings are normal. I am happy that it went off without much of a hitch, we had a fabulous turn out of people and it was fun for me, for the first time to sit out front as a vendor. I am regretful because I think it was really hard on Trip/Len. He had a hard time resting due to the flurry of activity for days before and on the day of. I was not able to be as attentive as I normally would and unable to really watch and guide his intake of food/drink.

Brother Larry building the "Rustic Outhouse"

His brother/sister-in-law arrived a few days before and they were here to help, and help they did! They absolutely supported me in getting things done and offered assistance, love and help with Len. The festival occurred on a weekend between chemo treatments and all seemed to go well. We were overwhelmed by the love and friendship offered to us by the vendors/artisans/friends we have made. In some ways it lifted my soul and filled my heart, in other ways I felt I let Len down. These are my feelings. They are how I am expressing myself and others may disagree or condemn me, but what I feel is that I failed in some way.

Post festival and the satisfactory high that always accompanies a successful event, was the realization that he was floundering and falling. His symptoms were poor, he wasn't resting, his output with his ostomy was negative, he was having trouble getting food in and he was dehydrated. I know he was happy we held the festival but my perspective was I had not done my job well. I was missing the signs and not putting my attention where it belonged. His bloodwork came back poorly and due to his levels of toxicity he was unable to take his treatment this week. He needs time to heal before proceeding - this is upsetting for him but it is not really unexpected, I think it happens to most people at some point during the process.

Trip 'n Daisy Hippie Art - Golden Unicorn Arts Festival

I know that other caregivers reading this understand what I mean. You KNOW in your head that sometimes you have to do things that are just for YOU and that is some of how we cope with caring for an ill loved one. Having said that, you ALSO realize the guilt that accompanies that when you see your loved one is failing. It is a dilemma that we all face. You want to respect their wishes and just be about YOU for a few minutes but then you see how that has affected your loved one, or how they tried to hide how they were feeling to allow you space and you just crumble inside.

I am so appreciative of Len's family being here, they have helped physically, mentally and even gave me a break from some of the driving that I have to do. THANK YOU SO MUCH! I have one more commitment to complete - fortunately Larry & Lylia will be here to help with Len and then I think I have to stop everything until he gets better... that is hard to do but important and I am struggling with this decision but know it is right. 

We spent yesterday in the ER at our local hospital - because he was dehydrated, continued diarrhea which is serious when you are undergoing chemo and have an ostomy as well as we discovered he was suffering from an infection that was missed. On top of this he has lost more weight, 8 pounds in about 10 days. He isn't sleeping well and it is hard to take sleep aids when you are concerned about exploding pouches of poop. (Those of you with ostomies will completely understand that!) 

We now reevaluate, what next? How does he go on? He doesn't want to. The emotions and exhaustion are wearing him down and how do I as a caregiver keep him built up? What do I do or say that will fix it? I liken it somewhat to caring for a toddler - not in a dementia type of way - but in the way that when you have a toddler they spend the day going through a range of emotional reactions, they want something to eat but then don't touch it, they need a nap but won't take it and they poop a lot! They also need constant love and reassurance.

I know he will get through this, he has to. I know right now he doesn't care if he doesn't and that is so hard to cope with. My tears are so close to the surface. I watch him in pain or discomfort and I can't take it away. So what do I do? I wallow for a bit, I cry a little and then I "put on my big girl panties and deal with it!" 

Peace, Daisy Loves Trip 

My life as a caregiver

I am sitting in my chair this overcast Thursday morning, feeling the humidity begin to build and watching the sky start to clear. It's going to be a hot and humid day! Perfect for ice cream! What am I going to do? I have lots on my list but need to remain focused.

Every day there is a reason to smile

Today is Thursday "week one" which means it is the day after Len's 5th session of chemotherapy. Every other Wednesday we go to the hospital, he gets set up, on meds, IV, etc, then begins his chemo session. While he is being treated I run back to town to do as many errands as I can, grab groceries, etc. He is at the hospital from about 9AM to 1PM - then hooked onto a "baby bottle" filled with chemo drugs that are slowly absorbed into his body over the next 40-45 hours or so. Usually by midday Friday   we go back to the hospital to have the chemo removed, his PICC line redressed and head home again.

Initially we thought the chemo days would be the worst, but in fact, they are his best days. Between the chemo drugs, the steroids and the cocktails of prescription concoctions going through him, he is most alert, bright, chatty and motivated for those 2-3 days. He tends not to sleep as much during this time though. I joke with him that I have to "crack the whip" since he is only good about 6 days a month - anything he wants to get done, gets done those days. I am JOKING! (I don't crack the whip but I do nag!) We supplement his regime with CBD oil and THC concentrate to help him heal, rest, nausea, etc. The combination seems to help, I had reduced his CBD oil for a couple of days since we were getting low, but he noticed the difference, so back on it!

This week has been a long one. As a caregiver, I was a bit worn out. As we cope with hot humid summer days, 28-32C and high humidity, 4 trips to town, truck in the shop for a quick repair, out of the house between 7-8AM three mornings in a row and hours in town, it caught up with me. We have helped cope with Len's stress and fatigue by having the extra mural nurse attend the house on the Mondays and I drive the blood work up to the hospital, but this week he had a "telehealth" (Skype) call with the doctor, so he had to go. Monday was a rough day on him. It was all he could do to get to the hospital and back again and he was exhausted. (Keep in mind, even doing it fast, this was a 3 hour trip.)

When he has a hard time, he is in pain, discomfort, hasn't slept well, can't eat much, loses weight and has a too long trip to town, well, it makes life hard for him and it hurts to see him in pain and for me to be unable to help him. As you can imagine with all that going on the person can get short, tense, terse and a bit "grumpy." That is when it gets hard for me. The days I feel like nothing I am doing is right. No, he never says that and he doesn't blame me, but as a caregiver, spouse, the person closest to him, I DO feel responsible and the tears are close to the surface, sometimes I just go to another room, have a short cry, wash my face and start again.

I think that most caregivers do feel that responsibility. If you are anything like me, you try to predict each possible scenario, how to deal with it, keep meds and non pharmaceuticals on time, prepare meals that will hopefully entice the patient/loved one, meet their physical needs/limitations and keep them healthy, etc., balancing it all can be tough. Anyone who knows me, knows that I have spent the last 8 years of my life, learning more about food, preparation, presentation, creativity, healthy sustainable food, etc... So to be at a loss on what to and how to prepare meals, is more than challenging for me. At this point, I feel almost like I am dealing with a toddler when trying to entice him to eat. (No offense, he is not rude like a toddler but... his palate, interest and diet are not dissimilar.) 

For the first time in years I have some prepared foods on hand - soups, pastas, etc. I need to be able to make something QUICK when he needs it. If I have been to town all day it is hard to make a meal for when he needs it since I can never be sure when I will be home. I do prepare our own foods and left overs but what he liked one day may disagree with him the next. Between the nausea from chemo and the gastronomical issues with his stoma/ostomy - it can be touch and go. For a man who has never been sick, had a headache or hangover, who could eat anything you put in front of him, drank beer not water and loved his fruit and veggies - this is not easy. 

As a caregiver I just plug away, push on and keep trying. Some days I nail it! Everything on time (I am finding timers quite helpful so I don't get distracted.) Finding something he likes for a couple of days - this week it is ground beef in spaghetti with sauce and licorice for snacking... Some days I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders and just worn out. Suffice it to say I am not getting the "other" things done that I should. I am learning to accept that. 

He has been through so much, hospitalized for C. Difficile at Christmas, 5 weeks of Chemo/Radiation in January/February, major surgery in May, and now 4 months of Chemo every other week to be followed by another surgery - who wouldn't be exhausted? At least we are on the countdown, only 3 more chemo sessions after this!

I am very fortunate that for all my husband is going through that he is a kind and gentle man. I can only imagine the challenge it would be to cope if he was not. I have watched people I know care for their loved ones who were not as loving or patient during their illness. I witnessed how being ill can take someone who is a bit grumpy/angry to start with become a person who is cantankerous and miserable. I am grateful that is not our situation.

I do not begrudge in anyway being here for my husband. I couldn't imagine being anywhere else. I love him dearly and even on tough days he is good to me. If he has had a hard day, he apologizes, he doesn't want me to feel he was angry with me, but more with himself, his limitations and disease. He tells me daily he loves me and is so grateful to have me here by his side, he thanks me profusely and brings tears of love to my eyes. That makes it all ok.

I know that today, will likely be a day filled with energy and excitement for him. He has great ideas and thoughts and has to get them down. By Saturday this will begin to wane and by Sunday he will be in the rough days. As mentioned we are surprised how the "chemo" days are the "good" days. The support of the people around me, the contact through the web, the phone calls from my loved ones, they all carry me through. I especially enjoy the silly little SnapChat photos from my grandson - these all make me feel good. I get energized by working on our 7th Annual Golden Unicorn Arts Festival and creating Trip 'n Daisy crafts. Together we shall persevere and get through this! TOGETHER! 

Today is an "at home day" and it is time for me to get things rolling. Yesterday when we came home we were both excited, happy and overwhelmed with the beautiful gifts in the mail from Pawthorn Studio's Etsy shop - our happy hippie selves will truly enjoy the brightly coloured beanies! Check them out if you like happy things! 

Thanks for listening as I try to express my thoughts...

Peace and Love, Daisy aka Sarah

PS: How do you like the new blog look? I decided the rustic theme was no longer working for me and bright, light and airy was much more fun and inspiring! Your thoughts on that?