Just breathe . . .

Just breathe . . . be in the moment . . . let the rest go . . . 

It is easier said than done... It has taken me about ten days to realize that I have been building up to an anxiety  breakdown. Is that a thing? I am not sure... However, it has caught up with me. That shaky feeling, difficulty catching my shallow breath, headaches, dizziness, heart palpitations, disrupted sleep patterns, tension, clenching my teeth, irritability, finding others actions pushing my buttons and the inability to concentrate! It is driving me crazy! 

I am not completely sure what is going on, I suppose there are a variety of factors, none of which is to blame, but together they are making me a bit of a wreck. Some of have control over, others I don't, yet I feel a bit lost, and that dear reader, is where you come in! I am hoping that by expressing my feelings, putting it "down on paper" so to speak, it will help release some of my panic.

I managed to lose about 15 pounds over the summer, in part the heat always reduces my appetite, but in the past week I feel a hollow spot in my stomach. I eat properly but it still feels empty. I have turned to popcorn - the corn and oil are organic but the butter and sea salt are not doing my body any favours! My limbs feel heavy and everything is an effort. I suppose in part some of this is the change in the weather but I worry about how I am reacting. I hate hearing the phone ring, I dread having to talk to anyone and it is  stressful to know I have calls to return and just can't make myself do it.

So these are some of my anxiety related issues:

Trip 'n Daisy
In the Hippie Hangout

Chemo started again this week and although we are excited that Len/Trip has built up his strength and gained weight - I am anxious about his every movement, feeling, emotion, eating and sleeping. I watch him closely, hopefully I am not irritating to him. I struggle to entice him to eat - which he has been doing well but now that we are through this cycle of chemo (two to go) I watch his strength ebb and his spirit wane. He was eating very well and had gained weight but when we weighed him Friday he had lost 1.5 pounds... Now that doesn't sound like a big deal, but it was two days into chemo and he had been eating - so it tells us that his body is working hard to assimilate the drugs and it is taking a lot of his energy. We are counting the days until it is over! He tells me today he is feeling ok and slept pretty well, of course he has not got out of bed yet, so we shall see! My job - keep him healthy, fed, watered and rested!

The amazing surgeon we had work with Len had passed his file to another doctor. His original surgeon had recommended a CAT scan in September, then a colonoscopy and then surgery by October sometime. This week it was a bit of a struggle to get things on track again and I am glad that I pursued and pressed for some answers, but we are disappointed to know that he will not even see the new surgeon (who is also highly recommended) until the first week of November. Now we are stressed about whether the "window of opportunity" for a reversal of his ileostomy will be possible. There seems to be conflicting opinions on that... I guess this adds to our anxiety and stress... My job - follow up, be persistent and don't let him fall into the cracks in the system!

I am not near either of my children at the moment, at least not in their day to day lives and I am watching them both struggle, that hurts. It always causes anxiety to worry about your kids, no matter how old they are. I know my mom struggles with worrying about me and I am 52 so I guess it is not unusual for me to be anxious for my girls. They are both strong, stronger than they believe but I know they are going through troubled times and that makes me anxious. I worry all the time. I struggle to be civil to people who think I "do too much for my kids" or think that "they should be able to do everything themselves". Am I a "helicopter parent?" I don't really think so - I am pretty sure I am not a "lawnmower" parent - but at the same time, if we can help them navigate some of life's challenges, why shouldn't we? I do try to show them the way and have tried to get them to do things for themselves, but I realize sometimes I help because I know their anxiety is high. I guess in this respect I will always have trouble because my kids have basically had one parent, me. I feel complete responsibility for what I have done/or not for them and I know - they also have anxiety issues - which are definitely related to my parenting. I am aware that they are now both responsible for their choices, but, it is never easy as a parent to see them go through turbulent times. So, anxiety for me? Yep! My job - offer support, help them find solutions and listen when needed.

Trip's books available on Etsy

I feel a sense of sadness as I close up my shop, put things away and start to prepare for a long cold winter. I love September and I think autumn is nature's way of allowing us to slough off the old, hibernate and recharge for spring. Yet, I feel a tightness in my chest and notice I am working through many deep heavy sighs and have a choppy breath. How come? I don't really know, I guess it is just life, everything combined. I know I am not unique. We all have our struggles and worries and challenges so what can we do? I am planning ahead and have hobbies to keep me busy over the winter, but when my depression and anxiety strikes, it is all I can do to sweep the floor and keep the kitchen clean and laundry done. Last night the temperature dropped to 2C and it is cold in here this morning, so time to get the wood in the porch and a light the stove - our primary source of heat. My job - set achievable goals each day and don't overwhelm myself.

Daisy needs some daisies!
Time to talk to my herbalist!

Just breathe . . . long, slow, deep breaths. Try to release the energy that is building up and bouncing around my body. Find useful things to do, organize, clean, meditate. I have a million ideas in my head of things I need/should do and a billion reasons NOT to do them. Oh well, it will all come together right?

As I lay in bed last night, I did feel better for writing this, releasing my thoughts and fears and I lay there practicing relaxation techniques taught to me many years ago by a therapist. I lay on my back, palms up, slow breathing, and I feel and wiggle each part of my body, piece by piece and relax that muscle until my whole body is complete. I used to do this with my girls as well and have them visualize a beach or pleasant place and help remove themselves from the stress that had taken over their bodies. It works, I rested well, albeit a bit cool!

Now, if you read this and thought, but SARAH/Daisy - I thought you were on your hemp/CBD oil and were coping better?! I was, I am. I was on the oil that worked and pending getting it again I am on a different brand and I can say it is NOT working as well, which disappoints me, and also makes me realize that I have found something helpful in my life.

Daisy circa 1968/9

If you knew me as a child or teenager, you will know that I was always shy, timid, and cried easily. We didn't call it anxiety back then, but it was. Mine was so crushing that I would cry before I would speak to people and I would fail a class before I had to present in front of my classmates. I almost lost my first government job because of anxiety and my fear of asking for help. I outgrew this - mostly. I still have set backs and I am simply having a set back. So, now what to do? Just take the moments, plan little tasks and remember to B R E A T H E slowly and deeply . . . 

If you read this far, then, thanks for listening and hey guess what? Writing this last night, did help me, perhaps journaling, writing, blogging or putting notes on paper will help you too.  If you have anxiety issues - you are NOT alone! 

 Peace and love, Daisy

PS: Check out our Etsy Shop as we will be adding items to it in the next day or so!