Thursday, November 10, 2011

Just a piece of my heart...

November 10, 2011 - with my baby girl
17 years old and she can't wait to hit the world! I remember the day I found out I was pregnant; the joy and excitement I felt. I had waited my whole life for that moment, dreamed about it and now it had arrived. I was scared! How could I take care of another human being? How would I know how? What if instinct didn't kick in? What if I hurt her? Wasn't good enough? What if?
And yet I was mesmerized by her. Every change in my body; every kick; every new sensation. I would spend hours watching her roll around at night in my belly. TV? Didn't need it! I had supersonic mama vision on and it was more exciting than any sci fi show or episode of Law and Order. I only hoped I would be worthy of her... or him. (At the time I was convinced she would be a boy and was stunned when the doctor said she was a girl! I actually argued with him and he assured me he would NOT KID with me about such a thing!) 
2 years old

I had a great doctor. I was 27 years old when I became pregnant and was fortunate to be surrounded by an office full of women who all had the "best advice". They told me what to eat, how often, what to wear, how to care for a baby, parenting tips, medical advice, on and on and on, until I thought I would scream! (Clearly I knew NOTHING!) BUT Dr. Fike told me "Sarah, you are a smart woman. You can read. You have common sense. DON'T listen to those women. You and I will figure it out and I have complete confidence you can do this." Thank you Dr. Fike! I am afraid I have not lived up to your expectations but I have tried.

This little baby was so small, 7lbs 2 oz and so dark (turns out she had jaundice, I just thought she had more colour than me.) She had a beautiful little head of dark hair and she loved me. I knew it right away. She just looked up at me with such trust in her big brown eyes. I promised her that no matter what I would always be there; I would stand up for her; protect her and be the best mom I could be. I haven't been able to protect her as much as I wish and there are times where she stood up for and protected me. My girl, she is amazing, smart, beautiful, world wise, instinctively understands people, is so much more than I could have hoped for. 

She isn't 7lbs anymore, but at 17 and just over 100lbs, she is still my little girl. I can lift her up and hug her; swing her around;  hold her; and kick her ass when she needs it. I have learned it is not my job to be her friend, but to be her mom and help guide her. I have to make her face difficulties head on - especially when she created them. I have to help her gain the strength that I didn't have at 17 and that it took me until I was 37 to achieve. She is strong though and she is a survivor. She has learned what IS important and what is superficial. Yes, it hurts sometimes, but she will move past those hurts and make her a strong independent woman. 

This baby has become a big sister and although she fights with her little sister (often!) I know they would die for each other. This baby has turned into a woman. I think about the life she has been through and I know that I have made many mistakes; I only hope that those moments have shown her a better path. My fear is that she won't want a family and will miss all the joy in order to avoid the pain. She will do what is right for her and I will support her emotionally during her journey.

This baby, child, woman, has moved 6,000km from all she has ever known and everyone she loves except this little core family. She has tried to fit in and been pushed away repeatedly, but she keeps on trying. She won't be stopped. She will get lonely, sad, depressed but I can still make her laugh and smile. She is studying hard and plans to "get out of this place" and forge her own future.

What path that will be, time will tell. I know that it won't be easy and I am realistic with her. I tell her you will fall down, but you WILL get back up. AND there is so much more out there in the world than high scool! If anyone says high school is the best time of your life, it is only because they never did anything after that. High school is only one small piece and for most people, their real life starts after they leave home.

At 10 years old - the age her sister will be soon

I will always be by your side little girl. 
I will walk next to you and pick you up, 
then I will push you forward to start again on your own. 
You are all I wished I could have been. 
You are a fighter! 
You are in my heart, 
a piece of my soul 

One last thing! Tomorrow is Remembrance Day 11.11.11 Please take a few minutes to thank those who have fought for our freedom and our country. I spend the month of November remembering and being thankful for those in my life and what I have loved and lost. Take just a few minutes tomorrow, ok? Thanks!

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