Reflections, Regrets and Resolutions... Hello 2019!

Here is to a BETTER year!

It seems as one year ends and another begins, that we, as humans in the western hemisphere, take stock of the outgoing and assess what we would like to accomplish with the incoming year. Really it is only 365 days, it can start at anytime, but it often provides us with a reason to set goals and hope for the next 365 days, you have to start sometime right?

I took my love and I took it down
Climbed a mountain then I turned around
And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well the landslide brought me down - Stevie Nicks, Landslide 

As you may know, the past 365 days in our house, have been kind of tough. There have been some days with hope and excitement, but they have been few and far between. One year ago, I had to put aside my hopes and dreams that were pre-set in my mind and adjust them to the reality of learning how to cope for myself and be an aide to my ill husband. I am fortunate that I had the opportunity to do so. Has it been easy? Nope! Would I do it again? Yes!

Our wedding 7/7/7

9 years ago, we celebrated the New Year with dear friends and family in our rental house in Nanaimo, BC. A short time later we made the journey to New Brunswick and Nova Scotia to search for a new home for our little family. It was exciting and an adventure, but it was never easy. At that time we had been trying to buy a home in the Nanaimo area and although we were approved by the bank, etc, we just kept getting roadblocks in our way. We saw that as a sign we needed to adjust our expectations. We needed to find a place to live, raise my young girls and be able to get by comfortably with what we had as income. This year, we celebrated New Year's alone - but with hope...

The idea was I would "retire" at age 44 from the traditional work force and become a stay at home mom. I was happy to do this and to set up our country house, see them off on the bus in the morning, be there when my kids came home from school, and spend the days with my husband, animals, etc. I am grateful to have had that opportunity. Of course, life is fluid and things never quite go according to plan. I spent time working for others house cleaning, helping care for an elderly woman, becoming a part of the local farmers market, starting an arts festival, helping Len with his monthly periodical "The Messenger", creating websites, having a little shop in my house, serving in my community, starting a 4H club for the local kids, teaching local "chef" classes to children and trying to immerse myself in my new world, and of course parenting....

A year ago, I stopped pretty much everything. The kids were gone, some sooner than expected. I regret this. I miss my children. One has moved back to Vancouver Island and the other, is gone from home early, now living in Woodstock. I am grateful that we all have contact and good relationships. I regret many things and I see that I did not parent as well as I thought at times. I made mistakes. Every parent must feel that to some extent. I guess all we can do is admit them, try to learn from them and apologize when we can - while allowing our children to remain accountable for their own actions.

Well, I've been afraid of changin'
'Cause I built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Children get older
I'm getting older too - Stevie Nicks - Landslide

I feel judged by those around me for some choices, experiences and consequences. That hurts me, deep in my soul and simply formulating those thoughts out loud make my chest feel heavy and my eyes tear up, I feel a choking in my throat and push the tears and grief back. Saying this is not meant to hurt anyone, it is simply me, how I feel, the emotions that burden me. When going to my small town and running into people, I imagine they are thinking, what did you do wrong? How come you gave up? Don't you care? That is the last thing in the world that is true, I care too much, I hurt too deeply, but I tell myself I am good at pushing it all down, deep inside. I believe in the long run, it will be ok. My children will be ok. I know they know I love them and as much as I have failed at, I did my best.

journal memory 

This past year, caring for my husband, helping him through his surgeries, cancer treatments, innumerable medical appointments, daily care, dispensing his medication and taking care of his every need, even before he realized he needed it. I do not regret being there and I am so grateful that I was able to be by his side. I honestly feel sad for so many people who go through this alone and I think they are so brave for making it and not giving up. I know there were days we both felt done. I now realize I let myself go, I didn't not take care of me and that my friends, is where we come to the infamous word - Resolutions!

Simple Abundance - journaling

I try not to set resolutions as they are so easily broken as they days of winter draw on and we get further into the new year. I do like to call them goals, and that is what I have set for myself. 14 years ago, when I was in some of the darkest days of my life, a dear friend gave me a book called "Simple Abundance" by Sarah Ban Breathnach  At the time I needed something to remind me that I had things to be grateful for and although I did not follow it as long as I should have, it definitely helped me appreciate being alive and the simple joys in my children's days. It has warmed my heart to re-read the thoughts I had at the time and also made me laugh. I chose to write down, by hand, not computer, in a journal, 5 items of gratitude each day. Some days it was knowing my children could laugh again, other days I was grateful for drugs, alcohol and medication - hey, whatever it took at that point to get me through! I also wrote several times about my gratitude for counseling, for all of us.

Every day, your own true path leads you to a happier, more fulfilling and contented way of life-the state of grace known as...  SIMPLE ABUNDANCE. Sarah Ban Breathnach

As I read through my journal, and prepared to start it again, I found a card from my oldest daughter who was 10 at the time. Her words touched me deeply, she always did have a space in her heart to worry about her mama, and to try to take care of me and in her young words  - you can see how she continued to try to make me happy. Such a burden I must have put on her! I am ever so grateful for her though and you can see I always loved daisy's as she drew one on my card!

Sweet card full of love

I tend to compartmentalize my life and put things into "boxes" and not think about what I don't need to. In doing that, I forgot the pure joy my little one gave me as she smiled, as she learned to walk again and as she pushed through her rehabilitation and the strength she had. She has always followed her own drummer and while I don't always understand her "band" she is very strong willed and she will get through life on her own terms. 

some days you take what you can get
"grateful for drugs, medication and alcohol"

I have begun working through the book again, it is a 365 day plan, next to it I have started my journal  and I can see my journey, even with the many years gap that I have taken. I have my yoga/meditation studio in my room and self-care is my resolution for 2019. However, that plays out - yoga, meditation, journaling, long baths, listening to peaceful music and songs of joy and inspiration, experimenting with new crafts and techniques and the universe willing - my trip across the country in the hippie hangout!

My peaceful place

Len and I (aka Trip 'n Daisy) have a few more hurdles to work through, but his strength is building. He has more good days than bad days now. His next surgery is at the end of January with about a week in hospital and then healing... I continue to be by his side, grateful for the love, support and donations that have allowed me to do this. Looking back on my journal 14 years ago, I see how my community of friends and family pulled me through then and reflecting on this past year, how you have all done it again. Yes, I need people and I am so grateful for them!

My hope for 2019 is to spend a year healing and caring for both of us, building our strength and continuing the courageous fight to get through this life! I am so excited to see all of our family and especially our grandchildren - being far from them is definitely a regret - we shall reunite with the "old" and meet the new... I am sure they will think we are weird... and we are... And of course... I shall pay it forward...

Reflections are good, Regrets are human and Resolutions are fluid...

Peace and love,

Daisy 

Embrace its gentle lessons, savor its sublime common sense, dare to live its passionate truth, and share its extraordinary and exhilarating gift with every woman you encounter: the authentic self is the Soul made visible. Simple Abundance

This year shall be filled with "Simple Abundance"