Where did the summer go?

As every summer ends I look forward to the quiet and peace of winter. Winter seems interminable and I greatly anticipate summer. Summer comes life zooms by, we are busy and the kids grow and we get older. Summer ends and I wonder, "Where did summer go?" I don't even feel I had time to smell the flowers. Autumn has hit and winter once again approaches...

This past spring and summer had the added trip urgency of one trip to Montreal and three trips to Halifax for Jessica and medical treatment and surgery. As a result she was housebound and had to remain inactive for much of the summer which added to my worry and concern but thankfully she healed well from an old injury and the fabulous doctor's in Halifax who repaired her. I was incredibly impressed with the treatment and care at the children's hospital and can't tell them enough how much that helped in how we dealt with everything. THANK YOU so much for the work you do - kudos to the doctors and nurses at the IWK!

Of course it wouldn't be enough to be able to focus exclusively on one child, no, Rachel was completing high school and preparing for graduation and prom. Now this is not like when I graduated almost 30 years ago and had one event to attend plus pictures done at the school by the same photographer everyone else used. 

 

 No, we had to hire a photographer (very pleased with her work) take additional grad poses and "environmental" photos for the yearbook. We had to make two trips to Moncton 3.5 hours away to choose and pick up the prom dress. We had to attend the grade 12 banquet/play, baccalaureate at the church, prom and graduation. Oh and I ALMOST forgot a graduation party was required!

  

 

Now, don't get me wrong it was lovely but in some ways seemed very overboard. I kept things as simple as I could and it was very expensive, I have no idea how some people did it. In addition to this my "farm" clothes were just not going to cut it so I had to dress out Len, Jess and I so we wouldn't look like hillbillies at these events either. (Apparently my man was over dressed but I think he looked adorable!) 

No, I wouldn't have passed on any of this. My daughter went through a lot to get through high school and I always promised her "when you graduate - you get it all" whatever it all was at the time. (I am now saving loonies in a jar for Jess' graduation in 6 years!) Yes it was worth it and I was incredibly proud of my baby girl and wish her the best as she got in her little car the day after graduation to drive west and begin her adult life.

Amid all of this we were happy to host Len's brother and family for a few days. They were great guests, jovial, enjoyed the farm, food and family but I got sick so have to say a heartfelt thank you to Lylia for keeping things going since I became a poor host. They did get the teepee put up though so that was awesome! That was a huge help to Len!

So summer arrived and the shop did amazingly well. I was very happy with the feedback and support from the locals and the lake people/tourists. I had many wonderful compliments on my food which makes me so happy since I never used to be able to bake very well. It seems that solitude and time on my hands has helped me work toward perfecting this craft. However due the great response I was too busy to do much else all summer. Oh well, can't complain there, just be grateful and know that before long I will have lots of time to sit, write, think, nap, watch the snow fall and perhaps paint some flowers and take the time to smell them? 

It is harvest and preservation time so I am working on that. Len's oldest daughter comes to visit next weekend and I plan to sit and enjoy a few glasses of wine with her and maybe get a little touristy. Jess and I have one final trip to Halifax. Len raised a cow with a neighbour so we will have good healthy meat for the year and we are even going on a little vacation soon to visit Len's daughter and family in Toronto, what more could I ask for? Life is good, I am very fortunate and blessed. I have a wonderful home, great family, husband I adore, children I love and who are growing well. And of course you, who are still here, actually reading... so thanks and have a great day!

... and it's over for another year... stay tuned for the 4th Annual Golden Unicorn Arts Festival!

Here we are, two days after our biggest event of the year. We just hosted our 3rd Annual Golden Unicorn Arts Festival and I am already working on the 4th! I guess that is how this sort of thing works, you work, work, work, wonder why, wonder if it is worth it, finish and start coming up with even better ideas for next year! If I thought this was it, I am done! Well the artists who have already reserved their spaces for 2014 have clearly told me "THIS IS NOT OVER!"

It was fun! We had a GREAT time, AMAZING feedback, TONS of people came through, WONDERFUL music, TALENTED artisans and loads of FUN! I am soon going to run out of adjectives but I am just so pleased!

CJ104 Community Cruiser
with Sunrise Alpacas
Photo Credit CJ104

It is so much work, Len and I do it all and we are learning more about how to do it better. This year we hired more help to get things together, get the work done and work the shop. In fact, I managed to get out of the kitchen three times for quick walk abouts and made time to welcome and thank the crowd as well as sit and listen to my baby girl sing on stage. I am either learning how to do things better or letting go of my control freak behaviour (or a combination thereof!)

This is not a long blog and yes it has been months since I wrote but I just needed to convey first to my friends and family that I am fine, did not over do it and had fun. I also needed to let my Facebook friends as well as those who are on our Farm page and Festival pages how much we REALLY do appreciate them! You have all been so good to us! 

3 of the artists at the show
Photo Credit CJ104

Things are winding down for summer now but we have had a great season and so much support, friendship and fun. Yes, we work long hard hours but only for a few months and then we are in hibernation season again. I do enjoy the shop and all of the lovely people I get to meet, chat with, learn from and become friendly with.

The arts festival was awesome, so much talent, musical and artisan. So many varied people and styles, levels of experience and the energy is so wonderful. I am not an "airy fairy" person, but I do believe that the positive people and great personalities are what make this so successful. I never want to lose that!

Artisan Alley
Photo Credit Shawn Taylor

I will say that on Saturday I was tired and had to wonder IS THIS ALL WORTH IT? I had to hire two staff for the day and worried, could they do what I needed? Would they like me? Would I be too anxious or stressed and that would carry over to them? Well, I had two of the most amazing kids come work for me. First, they showed up almost an hour and a half early and then they just did what I asked... Oh, I was a bit hyper and talking fast, 3 hours sleep and a pot of coffee in me when they arrived and probably scared them a little, but once I saw they would do what I needed and then start to be creative and just find things to do without being guided every moment of the way, I relaxed and I think we worked great together! I would hire them again in a minute! Thanks Chloe and Matt!

Of course all of this was also possible with my wonderful friend and neighbour Margret, who every year I tell, NO I am OK, I can do it! She comes in anyway and works alongside us almost all day. She is a life saver and I am SO grateful for her! THANK YOU SO MUCH MISS MARGRET!!! She won't let me pay her so I have to find a creative way to thank her... I will work on that!

I am not an artist or a singer (well I think I can sing but the birds and bugs fly away when I do so I might be misguided in that thought!) but I even felt like a bit of an artist - food is my media - when I received so many wonderful compliments and words on what I do. It is simple fare but I do put all of my energy into it and I love when people like it. It warms my heart and I felt really successful at the end of the day. Thank you for all of the kudos!

Jessica's Jewelry 

Jessica had a wonderful day, she sang on stage -  she did really well! And she had her own booth selling cake pops, paintings, photographic art cards and earrings - all that she made herself. She had fun and did well. It is never too early to start, right? 

Jessica at her booth
Photo Credit J. Saunders

I wondered how Len did. He was in his shop all day, we sent him out food and drink so he would not waste away and he had people surrounding him most of the time. He had his first really successful arts festival day. Why? Because he let the rest go. He concentrated on his art and the public and didn't try to do other things. THAT made me realize, YES we keep on going forward!

Brokkr Forge
Photo Credit S. Taylor

My first artisan signed up at 4:01PM for the following year, welcome Brenda and Jean we LOVE having you! And the second artist of the year signed up this morning, Shawn Taylor, Brokkr Forge... I guess that means we ARE having a 4th festival....

So signing off for now and please, do put Aug 17, 2014 on your calendars OK? And if you need to order something wonderful to eat, check out our website for the farm! See you next year!

One Day You Will Just Be A Memory For Some People - Be The Best Memory You Can Be

The last few weeks have been somewhat of a blur. Spring arrived, amidst yet another snow storm and that snow storm seems to have affected our lives. The snow although literal has become figurative as well. Life has snowed down in a way that has been overwhelming and emotional. Feelings that I had forgotten have bubbled up inside of me causing memories to swell up and force me to change my reality of how I had been thinking or feeling.

The last six months have involved the need to accept where I am in my life and try to understand where my parents are in their lives. As I try to do this my beliefs hold strong but my emotions have definitely wavered and my thinking as to what is best has faltered. I and my siblings are watching our parents age. I know many people going through this same thing right now, but how hard to see those two strong, able, safe, secure people drifting, feeling lost and losing the security they had - the security that no matter what they had their minds and bodies and the respect of others and these things are failing them too. 

Dad doing what he loved - sailing

We are spread from one end of this country to another. British Columbia, Alberta and of course me, in New Brunswick. The problem for me, a problem I created myself, is that since I decided to live differently, leave the nine to five job, credit cards and daily rush of life, I am limited when a crisis occurs. In the past few weeks I have been faced with several dilemmas without many options except for offering support, a shoulder to cry on and appreciation that the phone companies are now only 5 cents a minute not a dollar. This allows me many minutes of listening, trying to offer help, ideas, some more forcefully than others and hoping that I am remaining kind and caring. This is a tough one. Especially since my brothers and I all have slightly different ideas of what is the right next move for our parents and then trying to decide if it matters what I think?

Almost two months ago my mom fell on the ice and popped her arm out of socket and shattered her shoulder bone. I wanted nothing more than to go help her and give her some assistance. I had always been able to do this in the past. Recently my dad had a fall which caused a serious infection and he has been in the hospital for a few weeks. We know that his quality of life has gone down, age is catching up, medical history coming back to haunt him and really his interest in going forward is questionable at best. Does this mean he is  ready to go into a home? Or just on a list? How much can mom still do for him? How much support can the community and its resources put into place? Is mom wrong for wanting to keep him home? Is it up to me to be a part of that decision? 

25 Year Anniversary - 25 Years Ago
Note: I am as old or older now than mom was then

For awhile I thought maybe it was. I was quite forceful and somewhat directive but now, I wonder. It has been over 50 years of a lifetime together. Their anniversary will be in July, maybe he is just hanging on until then. Maybe it would be more peaceful for them to stay together until then. Perhaps I am completely wrong, but is it up to me? I can only offer advice and support. The first week dad was in hospital I was feeling in my heart he would die, I cried, often, quietly, alone. My girls were so sad to know that they probably won't ever see Grandpa again. No, he is not who they remember, no he is not easy to get along with, but can't we just allow him the remaining dignity he has left? At least for awhile longer?

Dad at the Port Alberni
Farm Market selling his wares

As the days went on and the medicine started to work, we knew that this time, he would pull out of it and recover enough to return home. Supports are being put into place. I am so grateful to those who went to visit him, it isn't easy. I know we aren't alone that thousands if not millions of baby boomers are watching their war time born parents suffer and regress. Maybe it is easy for me to say since I am so far away, but as frustrating and disturbing as it can be, I think allowing them as much independence as possible and providing them with love and trying to not take things personally is the kindest thing we can do. 

I know that I was a stubborn little girl (my husband says I still am) but my parents loved me. They provided me with safety and support even when I made mistakes. They didn't bail out on me when the going got tough. When as an adult I faced a time of crisis my dad was there, guarding my door, staying with me, offering me physical protection. My mom did all she could to take care of me and my girls through post partum depression and then through trauma, she gave up everything to be with me day and night when I needed it. As much as I may think they are making some mistakes, they have thought the same about me. As often as I think they are nuts or what the hell are they doing, they have wondered the same about me. They offered their thoughts and advice and their unconditional love. I now need to do the same.

My main regret on my life style choice is that I probably won't see them again. I know I can't afford to fly and help them when in trouble and I likely won't be there to bury them either. Having said that, I thank them for their life time of love, guidance and understanding. I am now a parent, with girls who are growing up. Children who love me and want my support and help but also want me to let them make their mistakes and not judge them. Children who, as I get older they laugh at me a little bit more or make fun of my quirkiness a bit more often... just as I did to my parents. As part of my thoughts and reflections I have had to think about what my kids will "do with me" when I am old, how will they treat me? Speak to me? Care for me? Will they be kind? Will they speak badly of me in front of their children? Will they honour me? These thoughts have made me re-evaluate how I am thinking, speaking and feeling...

I know it is easy to pass judgement on others and how they deal with thing and although many of us may have different thoughts or opinions during this current time of sadness, difficulty, crisis, I love my family and only want happiness - for all of them.

Mom, Dad, I love you, I thank you, I wish you were healthy and happy but I know that you are going through a troubled time and I can't imagine all that is in your hearts right now. This week my dad turns 74 years old. For some that is not that old, for my dad it is. It is now after 10 AM there are things to do, there is yet another new skiff of snow on the ground, my coffee is finished and the tears are running down my cheeks. I can't do much for my parents, but I can give love them and listen and as hard as it is at times, I can keep my judgement to myself.

A tribute my daughter wrote to Grandpa when he went into hospital.
This picture was taken the day before we left BC almost 3 years ago.
"This is my grandpa, my best friend. I love him with all my heart, he is truly one of the best human beings I have ever known and truly loved. he's the most caring man, loving dad, brother, cousin, & child. I don't see him much anymore living in Nb, but he is only a couple provinces away , and even though I cant be by his side right now in the hospital. He will always be my best friend, no matter what happens to him. I love you so my grandpa ♥ & I'll always be there for you, you are always in my heart, I think about you everyday. And I really hope you're going to be okay, I know you will be though because you're the strongest man out there, and I know you can make it through anything. I love you ♥ "

Somewhere over the rainbow

There aren't many songs that you hear that instantly connect with how you feel, who you are and what you dream of. A few years ago I heard a song (on American Idol of all places!) by a young kid in dreadlocks, he was a bit scruffier than the other contestants and wasn't likely to make it through to the end, but I have to thank him for  playing this song "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" By Israel "Iz" Kamakawiwo'Ole.  Take a few minutes to listen, it is riveting, beautiful and magical. I think he actually combined two songs , I loved them! Listened on YouTube for days!

"Well I see skies of blue, and I see clouds of white

and the brightness of day, I like the dark

And I think to my self

what a wonderful world"

This song just makes me feel good, happy, satisfied and realize that we all have dreams, hopes, wants but at the same time, just looking up to the sky on a beautiful day can be completely satisfying and rewarding. His voice was gentle, smooth, captivating and then you see this big beautiful Hawaiian man who might be someone we didn't think twice about on the street or we might even judge him - negatively, yet he is so amazing! Whether he is belting out "It's a Wonderful World" or "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" he draws me in, completely has my attention and I dream of sitting on a Hawaiian Beach, in a lawn chair under a palm tree, listening to him pluck away on his ukulele. That would be spellbinding!

So what's my point? Nothing much, I am just reflecting on my life, the good, the frustrating, the lonely, the happy, the challenges and reminding myself what is important. Is the conflict surrounding me important? No, I don't think so, not in the scheme of things. Is the lack of "money" worth stressing over? No, I do, but I am getting better! Lonely, missing friends and especially family as my parents age and could use my help. I do have good friends though, people of quality, people who I care about and they do in return and for this I am extremely lucky.

Is watching my family grow older important to me? Absolutely! My husband is working hard and getting discouraged as his body tells him he can't do everything he wants to, and yes, I worry about him and don't want to be left alone. He is my little "maniac" and after 8 years I would miss him desperately.  In less than 3 months my baby will move away and live on her own. Have I taught her well? Am I instilling values that matter in the midst of the influences the world puts on her? I think I am. Maybe not to where I am, but I am 46 and she is 18 and I know that although more mature in some ways, I was not as ready to leave home as she is. She will make it. Then one more to go...

So now, I sit, listen to the sounds of my house around me. The washing machine finishing it's final spin; the fish tanks gurgling in the room; the sound of the fire crackling; the water in the tub upstairs as Jess finishes her bath; and Leonard Cohen singing Hallelujah in the background. It was actually this song that I was looking for when I thought about blogging tonight, but then I was sidetracked to Iz and I am glad for that. Cohen is talented and this song grabs me every time, but Iz was so much more uplifting to listen to. He helped me change my brooding thoughts to positive, thank you Israel Kamakawiwo'Ole!

And YES I do feel satisfied! I am also incredibly grateful winter is ending! 

Who knew I was following the 12 Step Program?

I have lived my life doing what is right for the most part and from time to time making mistakes and hitting the wrong chords thus missing the right moves altogether. For the first 18 years of my life I was influenced by my parents and church and although I don't agree with everything I was taught or that I learned, they did teach me morals and right from wrong. The next 20 years of my life were influenced by the man I was married to, the people I worked with and society around me and yes, I made some big mistakes. However, for the past 10 years I have tried very hard to do what is right, for all not just myself and loved ones. I have attempted to repair any damage I caused in the past, borrowed Step 9 from the 12 Step program and tried to go back and apologize, explain or make right anything I could. 

9.  "Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others."

This is not easy. I could have easily blamed my circumstances and allowed myself to sit back and not take responsibility but as much as that seems easy I couldn't do it. Since then I have tried to build a reputation that will show my character, flaws - yes, but ultimately provide me with a background that shows integrity and honesty. Of course I tell little white lies, not going to lie, I do. I will also not tell someone something that will hurt them if they don't need to know it. I think that is OK unless I am the one who caused the hurt - then as much as it boils inside of me and makes me want to walk away - I will eventually stand up to it and accept the consequences. (Apparently that is Step 10.)

 10. "Continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it."

I do know that in my "past life" I was respected. Even in my darkest hours when I went through times that I would never wish on another, I was seen by the people around me as someone worth caring about, trusting, knowing and respecting and that is huge to me. I have worked in environments surrounded by chaos, with numerous staff to supervise, where our clientele were repressed in crisis and our decisions truly affected their lives and well being. That is a tough place to sit. I am proud to look back and say that I cared, I went the extra mile and I was fair. I think that working in a social service environment where you are restricted by rules and restrained by regulations, if in that work place, you can gain a reputation for honesty and get respect by both the clients and the people you work with , then you have integrity. 

4. "Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves."

I learned so much between the age of 25 and 35 in my career, gained confidence and strength I would never have believed possible and learned that even when it was hard to admit I was wrong or I had to change a decision, I could do it. I carried these skills over to my personal life and volunteer work in my community. I became an involved parent in my children's school and gave my time to my Parent Advisory Council (PAC) and other committees that needed people to share their time to get things done. I have always been a volunteer from the time I was about 12 years old and I taught a Sunbeam Sunday School class. This was something that was taught to me, if you want to be part of your community, you help, you volunteer and your reward is the pleasure you feel and the lessons you learn. I still believe that. I don't see helping others as personal gain, notoriety or power. It is about doing what is right and I do enjoy it. I have not walked away from conflict but have tried to be fair, see both sides and dealt with personal attacks, over all, generally, I have been able to come to peace with all involved and I value that.

I do know that in my travels, experiences, paid employment, volunteer work and friendships... I know that with the exception of about two situations, I have been able to right a wrong or at least apologize and attempt to make amends. I do know that when I have to ask for character references or have someone speak up for me, I have received reports of quality that I can be proud of.

Now, I live at the base of Green Mountain in Fosterville, NB and I am building a life here. I am gaining a reputation based on my hard work, good baking, treatment of others and being fair; I am proud of that. My goal is to continue to show my character as something I and my children can be proud of, although I have had misunderstandings, made errors and try to move positively past those. I will always be a CFA (Come From Away) but my goal is to be a CFA that can be trusted and not known to delve in much gossip (I say much because it is almost impossible to completely avoid it). 

If when I die my children can say that they were proud of me and that I taught them positive lessons that they carried in their lives, then my efforts will have been worth it. If I keep learning and trying , I am happy. It seems easy in this technical era to make assumptions or accusations without speaking to someone, simply by typing it on a screen. That makes me sad, for our future and for our basic morals and beliefs. Credibility, integrity and trust, those are important values for me. If I have caused you to question those values, talk to me, not others. Have a great day!