Thursday, July 7, 2011

I cried until my eyes hurt…

Grandpa and Jess
Grandma and my girls 

 I am once again on a BC Ferry on the last leg to see my husband but already feel lost without my girls.  Life  is bittersweet. I am excited to return home to reunite with my husband and resume farm life. Yet I feel lost, alone, and sad since I left my girls behind in BC. I am about to embark on a summer without my babies. The longest time ever apart from them at the tender ages of 9 and 16. I know they are fine; they will have fun; they have been entrusted to people who love them. My heart aches and my eyes water as I recall the last embrace we had, the hugs, the kisses, the “I love you’s”. I now sit once again on the ferry watching other families, listening to children call “Mom!” and know that my summer will be much quieter than ever before.

My trip was wonderful. I reunited with so many people. I had quality time with my parents and was sad to see how much they have aged in one year. I pray I will see them again. My dear friends embraced me physically and emotionally and I could not have wished for anything except more time. I have one regret. A miscommunication with one friend so important to me, held so long in my heart that I weep knowing I inadvertently hurt her. I am sorry. I guess with the modern age of computers, email, face book, texting and call display, the one person who has none of those things did not get all of the information I meant to disperse and sadly we did not connect. I can’t express my remorse appropriately but I know I never meant to be selfish and I know if she didn’t love and care about me it wouldn’t have upset her. I am sorry.

I don’t know when I will return to BC. It could be in 3 months or 6 months if the lawyer needs to see us again but likely it will be several years before I can make the journey home. I will treasure every moment of my stay; value every moment spent with family; remember every second laughing with a friend; hold close the intimate moments and sharing of those true to me; always bemoan those I missed; and wish that some of them someday make the trek back East.

As I hugged my parent’s goodbye I imprinted their face in my memory. My friends and family are very important to me and this visit made me realize more than ever how fragile life is and the need to say what I really felt. My teen is reserved in many ways and I had to hold her, not let go, tell her I love her and plead for her to be safe, have fun and return home to me. Life will be upon her soon enough, no need to rush it. She knows in her heart how dear she is to me and I believe this is her summer to grow up in many ways. I wish you a wonderful time – I can’t wait to hold you again!

My youngest had been spending the last month changing her bedtime routine to allow her to tuck herself in and be prepared to be without mom. There were less nights of cuddling in bed, less singing sleepy time songs and rubbing her tiny back. She was doing great, that is until we started to travel and spent the last week sleeping together in a big bed and snuggling during the night. The last two nights she cried, appealed to me to stay or take her home and today, I almost did. I spent last night trying to decide what to do and determined that this morning if that is what she wanted, I would pay to change her ticket and have her return to New Brunswick with me for the summer.

She had no idea of my thoughts and so upon waking we lay cuddling and talking and I knew from her voice that she wanted to stay, she simply needed the confidence to do so. I was not leaving her with anyone she didn’t know or trust and was fairly certain that she was feeling torn because of me. I sucked it up and came up with a suggestion that seemed to work. I asked her if she would like to make a calendar for July and August and outline her activities. We would write out a list of names and phone numbers for people that she might want to contact. I saw an immediate change in her demeanour. Everyone else in the house was still sleeping, so we crept into Aunty Sharon’s office to get some paper, a ruler and a pencil. By the time we had created her calendar she was just about ready to start packing. It is a good thing we did this because I really was ready to bring her home and I can see now that she was still excited about staying in BC and was simply feeling lonely for mom.

The day was a flurry of events; pack, prepare documents for the lawyer, final errands, final shop for what the girls needed and then drop them off for the next 50 days without me. My hope is that they have a memorable holiday; they cherish the moments they have with family and friends; and that the summer flies by! I do miss them already, my luggage is light but my heart is heavy. Girls, know that you are in my heart forever, near or far!

Len, baby! I am coming home! I can’t wait to hold you in my arms again and work together on our homestead for the summer. Tomorrow is 7/7/11 and it is four years to the day since I stood before our children, family, friends and God and vowed to love each other forever. Thank you my handsome for standing by me and as much as we have our moments of frustration, I wouldn’t change a thing! I know we are living in the right place for us and I am so excited about our future together in New Brunswick. Happy Anniversary Husband – see you soon!
Jess with her big brother, she actually PUSHED past me to hug him first!
Our gorgeous grandson and his beautiful mommy

Post script: I am now at the airport, enjoying the free WiFi and chatting with my beloved on MSN. Life is good! After about an hour and a half of sleep I look forward to the first long leg of my flight since I will nap very pleasantly, not too sure how my "cell" mates will enjoy the sound of my bear snore but oh well! See you soon FOSTERVILLE!

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