A journal of gratitude...

It is fall! Time for some Thanksgiving!

We are now well into October 2014 and Thanksgiving is almost here. I haven't written a blog since July - partly because I was busy and then I had computer issues and I just felt like, what do I have to say? Well, I have decided I need to express my gratitude, for so many things!

It is easy to go through life thinking: What's next? How come this happened to me? What did I do to deserve this? How come it is easy for everyone but me? Well, that is not the best attitude to move forward and although life has certainly dealt me some tragic and trying situations, I think I have finally learned to forgive, forget, move on and be grateful.

Many years ago Oprah  said - write down 5 things a day that you are grateful for. I tried it, I tried to think about what was good in my day, but I have to be honest, my gratitude journal didn't feel very authentic or real. Having said that, changing my life, my expectations and realizing that I don't need to be like other people or achieve what they have - has made me actually feel appreciative. So, today, I am going to express some of that gratitude. (Please feel free to stop reading or tune out if I am now boring you...)

7/7/7 Wedding Day

1. I am grateful for the opportunity to relive my life - for the chance to start fresh, reaffirm what is important, move past the fear and create my own happiness. It was almost 6 years ago now that Len and I discussed the possibility of moving to the Maritime's - property was cheaper and I could "retire". Yes, it was scary but exciting. No, it hasn't been easy - but we have done it and surpassed many of the challenges. In order to do that we had to determine what was/wasn't important, what could we change, what do we need vs. what do we want and can we get through this together? It took work and a lot of adjusting and learning but, it seems to be working. There have been many times where we thought we wouldn't make it and a few when we were ready to give up on our new life and sometimes even, on each other.. I am grateful for "my handsome" and his support and unconditional love for me. 
2. I am grateful for my siblings - we are not always as close as we could be and we live across the country - well most of them are in Alberta/BC except for me, but they help build me up - even though they probably don't realize it. My oldest brother and his wife dropped everything almost 10 years ago to be by my side and help me and my children when we needed it most. 

   

   My brothers and I - Spring 2014

   

   My family - 1987 - Better times

   I would have said we were both living our own lives but the need for family in times of crisis was apparent to me when they stood by me in every way they could. I can never say thank you enough for that. So when my brother got very ill last spring, I realized how much I loved him, yes I knew I did, but it wasn't something we expressed a lot. As I watched him and his wife of 25 years work through a hard time, I knew that I wanted that closeness to increase. I am so thankful that he has pulled through and I hope that we will remain closer and in touch. My youngest brother and I have always had a different relationship, I suppose in some ways we bonded more, he was my little brother and I adored him him when he was young. The past year I feel that I have been able to offer him love and support and he has given the same to me. I can never tell him how much that closeness means to me. I know his hugs and love helped me as we watched our Dad laying sick and our Mom struggling through it. I look forward to seeing them both very soon. I also have two sisters that I send hope, love and the wish for a bright future too. No matter what lays in the past, we are family and had much love once. It is easy to drift apart as we build our little worlds and get through each day, so to all my siblings - thank you for the good memories! 
   
   
3. I am grateful for my children. The two people who have given me strength and courage when I only wanted to escape the reality of the world. I am proud of the women they are becoming as they move forward in their lives. It was hard to watch my oldest move away, but it was ok because it was the right thing for her. I don't believe making children feel as though they owe you something, or telling them you can't live without them or you would miss them too much is good for them or helpful. I think that teaching them to learn their independence, make their mistakes and carve their future - is the way to allow them to feel free.

   

   Me and my babies - 2012

   Of course I miss my daughter but she is living her life, learning what is important to her and what is superficial. I also love the opportunity of having my youngest to myself and to get to have those moments and laughter and time together. I think we all feel empowered with our new relationships. I am also grateful for the love and acceptance from my husband's children - they have been so kind to me and being a "grandma" although step has been such fun when I see them all! 
4. I am grateful for my friends - old and new. This past summer one of my dearest friends and her husband came to see me. The timing was perfect - life had slowed down and we were able to just enjoy each other and see that we had both past our sadness and moved on to our joy. We were allowed the moments to laugh, share and to each know we had taken the right paths. I also have another friend, who has been by my side since I was 3 years old. My very first memory is of her - when I walked with my mom to the mail box and we met her and her mom - 45 years ago - we bonded and although we have each lived our own lives we have always stayed in touch. She has reached out to me in a way that I can never truly show my thankfulness - I love you! I want to thank my extended family for their friendship - cousins, aunts, uncles - people who have accompanied down my path to thankfulness in the past few years - I am so glad to have you all in my life! I shall see many of you, very soon!
5. Finally, I am grateful for my parents. Two people who have had little - had much - had joy - had sorrow and now live through their final days together.

   

   Me & Mom 2014

   My parents have made many choices that I know they wish they could change - but no matter what has happened, they have always loved each other. It is heartbreaking, watching my father as he lay there, dying and knowing that my mom struggles with the pain, with the guilt for not doing some things differently and in her faith - knowing that she will be with him again. I pray she is right, that they will be two whole people again, a man that adored his wife - while not always able to show it and a wife who's eyes light up when seeing him. My dad has not always been an easy man to live with or be around but he always loved us and my mom. He was so excited to do things for her such as surprise elegant jewellery, 60 roses on her 60th birthday, little things to enchant her. 

   

   Me and my Dad - Spring 2014

   No, their almost 52 years together has not been perfect, but who's has? The main thing is the love that they shared and still do share. It is painful to watch Dad deteriorate and to push Mom away, but I believe that is also his attempt to help her, he doesn't want to be in the state he is or has been and he wants her to continue to live and he doesn't want to be her burden. I am grateful for the opportunity that I had last spring when I spent weeks by his side and very thankful that I am headed there again. Dad, you may be gone by the time I get there I don't know, but I love you and always will and yes, we WILL take care of Mom! 

So, gratitude, I feel it through my core, no life never gave me what I though it should but I learned that we only get what make of it. I am making it right now and I am grateful for the people I love and who surround me in my world - biological family and the family that I have earned through friendship and trust.

July already? Post Hurricane Arthur....

Apparently I am remiss on keeping up this blog - I see it has been 6 weeks + since my last post! Yes, we are alive and well and very happy to be powered up again! So much has happened locally since I last wrote - the tragedy in Moncton with the RCMP and a deranged gunman; several local families devastated by a horrific car accident; an extreme summer heat wave, etc.... But today, I will refer to the recent hurricane.

As you may know, if you live in the Western Hemisphere or North America, we were hit one week ago by Hurricane Arthur. Now, normally, this is not a problem. We may have extra winds and hard rain - perhaps even a short power outage. It does not hit inland this far and so therefore it is no big deal, but not this time.

Today is July 12 and one week ago on July 5th, Arthur hit the Maritimes - hard! Nova Scotia and PEI are on the coast so they expect to be hit harder than we do. However we are inland New Brunswick and it wiped out our infrastructure  and shut down our power grid, telephones and cell towers for days. In fact, 1 full week later, there are still many New Brunswick homes without power. Last I heard last night was that at the height of the storm 250,000 homes were offline and by about 5PMyesterday there were still 20,000 homes offline. Most would be up by Sunday and a few more not until about the 15th. WOW!

We had no phone service for 5 days and no power for 6 days. We closed up shop and hoped that we could open again soon. This is my story of how we dealt with things.

NOT my house - just one of the many NB
trees that came down in the storm

Day One: Saturday morning 8:10AM I am baking for the shop - cinnamon buns rising and unicorn bars in the oven - power goes dead. Around 10AM some people dropped in and we managed a lukewarm pot of coffee from the coffee machine. 11AM phone my Mom - let her know power is out in case my daughter in Alberta can't reach me. Noon - phones dead. Close shop. Late afternoon drive to Maine for a dinner reservation made weeks before. Cross the border and watch the road as the trees sway, rain pours and
sections are almost washed out. Wonder if we will make it home again.

Day Two: Sunday - hire friends to take my freezer across the border to plug in at another friends so that I do not lose all of the ice cream I picked up on Friday and my years worth of pork/beef. Rain has stopped. Trees across roads, lines down, no word of power coming on again for days, possibly two weeks. My Len decides we need a generator - so we start the hunt - knowing all of NB is doing the same thing. Success! We will have limited power again. That evening a neighbour came by to see if he could lend us his generator. So sweet! This late '70's man with extreme health issues had spent the day going door to door with his generator - for free  - to help people preserve their food.

Me in full mosquito netting and long sleeves! OUCH!

Day Three: Camping outside our house, heating water on the BBQ to do dishes, cooking, etc.. We realize  - our food is safe, we have a generator and we may as well enjoy this forced vacation. Time for drinks! AND movies - thankfully we have lots of movies to watch on the DVD/TV via the generator. We are ok. We have no kids - so this is our resting time. My only stress is not knowing if/when/how my child will get home this week from Alberta since the airport was down, power out, etc.... We loaned the generator to a couple of people to help them out.

Day Four: Very grateful for our friends across the border who are allowing us to use their phone/computer to contact the outside world. Enjoying the people who drop in as they see us in the yard to give us updates on what they have heard... It is still looking like the weekend before we get back online. Still no phone service.

 I have never been so happy to watch convoy's
of power trucks. Thank you NB Power, Maine Power
and Quebec Power for all working to help out!

Day Five: My daily chat with the mail man as he tells me how the power trucks are getting closer and how people are doing. He truly is passing on the word as he goes along. I am sure his journey was longer last week as people asked him for information. Time to go to Fredericton and hope that my baby's plane is on schedule and she will arrive home. Still no confirmation but trying to communicate as much as possible. After arriving in Fredericton, we have dinner and realize that although Fred proper is online, many side areas are not. (Our waiter tells us how he can't wait to shower again - perhaps this is info he did not need to share?) Arrive home at midnight, after Jessica arrives home safely. YAY! Plus, added bonus - the phone is sort of working! Progress? I think so! I also managed to call my daughter in Vancouver - she is used to speaking with me daily so when I called she said, "Who is this? Sarah Sherman? I don't think I know you?" Funny girl!

Day Six: Still on a forced vacation. Very fortunate that we have a generator to keep things cold/frozen in the fridge and freezer and allows us light to read or power to watch movies. Feeling grateful. I know that we could have had it much worse and that I would not feel so tranquil had my husband not purchased a generator which definitely made life easier. This is the day the Fire Department came by and delivered flats of bottled water to homes - they were donated by Sobey's and the Provincial Gov't. Now it is 6PM and POWER is on! Yay! All of a sudden the house noises sprang back to life. The energy changed - we all went to do different things, activities, internet, etc....Life begins to return to "normal".

Just another day to the chickens....

What did I learn? We are blessed to have what we have. We are fortunate to have amazing neighbours and a community that reached out and helped each other. Later as I came online I saw how all of my surrounding communities had plans in place to assist. Showers opened, water stations, meals, loaned generators, etc.... I am always amazed at the heart people show when they have to pull together.

What did I think about for those 6 days? As the days progressed and I watched neighbour help neighbour, I considered this fact - what if we did not know if the power would ever come back on? What if this were an apocalyptic event? Would we be so helpful or become hoarders? I know that many things went through my mind and I had to consider how things might be different if we did not know if we would ever be online again or if the food sources were running out. Minutes from our home, across the border, we had access to restaurants, stores and gas stations - but what if we didn't? It definitely gave me pause. 

In any event, the quiet (when the generator was off) was absolute quiet. The rest - was my summer camping vacation (although with the size of the mosquitoes I was happy to head indoors at times!) My neighbours and community are amazing! AND  I have to admit it, as peaceful as it was at times - I LIKE HAVING POWER! 

Spring Opening! Or OMG will we be ready in time?

 

The Welcome Window

For the last couple of years we have run a little farm gate type coffee shop out here at the lake. It is always a bit of a panic and last minute affair. This year was especially tough since  winter lasted 6 months and the snow just disappeared; and until last week we were still lighting a fire to stay warm - which was a problem since  the wood porch is my summer shop. Friday morning at 6AM Len was up painting the floor after the final "little reno's" of the week so that we would be able to set up and open on Saturday morning at 9AM.

Historically I have had EI or worked part time which all helped me with my start up costs. Since I haven't worked since October,  I no longer have any other income and the farm market has been very slow, it was a bit stressful pulling things together. Not only was I counting pennies to get started, I didn't have an ice cream freezer! I finally decided Friday night to take the meat out of my freezer and store it at a neighbours so I would have some place to keep the ice cream for my customers.

Up until about two weeks ago we still thought we were going to expand, but my handsome husband is just not physically up to it and his health and comfort is much more important than expansion. So, here I was, Friday night, ice cream in my freezer, coffee machine ready to go, a newly painted shop and nothing, whatsoever in the room! Stress? Yup a little! On top of that, both Len and my backs were in pain and we were a bit of a mess. (I did find staying slightly inebriated very helpful though!) On the upside, although it was damp and dreary, the black flies and June bugs haven't arrived yet!

Giant Fresh SINbuns

Saturday morning, 4AM I was up, mixing 4 batches of cinnamon buns and a couple of batches of bread so that I would have SOMETHING besides ice cream to serve. Poor Len was up at 6AM again to help put it all together, what a trooper! Of course, the hot long weekend did not come to fruition so besides my coffee machine and cinnamon buns, it was pretty quiet. I did finally sell 1 ice cream cone to little Riley Fish at 9:30AM on Sunday morning... 

Although I did not make my fortune this weekend, it gave Len and I lots of time to putter, set up and decide he is no longer allowed to build, he is only allowed to be brilliant and create (and shovel chicken shit, yes that is still his job!) I have also decided to try my hand at a little fun painting and in addition to my writing I have added artist/author to my resume! I did sell 4 books this weekend, so that felt good!

Golden Unicorn Publishing/Art Gallery

Taking a break to pose

Hopefully this weekend is a bit busier and that sun pops out so I can serve the ice cream. We plan to start serving Saturday pizza's this year, but as mentioned until I earn some coin, there are no pizza supplies, so it is not looking good for pizza this week. How about by the beginning of June? Yes, that sounds like a definite plan! It was really great to start seeing people come back though. I have some very loyal die hard customers, local and lake people and I want to thank them for their ongoing support. You guys make it all fun and worthwhile!

It is now fiddlehead season and although I don't go out and pick them, I bought some from the market and plan to pickle them tomorrow. Always a culinary delight! I love them sauteed with garlic or in a creamy fiddlehead soup. Many of New Brunswick natives like to boil the fiddleheads and then rinse in vinegar, sounds good too! I even hope to get a garden in if the rain every stops! 

On top of dusting off the winter webs, we gave up our farm market booth and I have now taken over the market cafe - so on Friday's you can come see me, get my baking and maybe have some brunch or lunch! Yes, for a woman who used to avoid cooking except for big family meals, I have gone completely local, sustainable, mostly organic and definitely home made! Hope to see you soon - either in Woodstock on Friday or out here in the shop! Weekends only until July 1st then open all summer! Check out our website or Facebook page to keep up to date!

May - a month to remember, be grateful and reflect - plus HAPPY Mother's Day!

North Lake Rec Council
Wellness Day 2014

Today is Saturday, May 10th which marks several things: a) It is one week since we held a Wellness Day conference in our community. It was really fun to coordinate and organize and I had a blast working on an event again! b) It is my BIG brothers birthday! Today he is 50 years old! Yes, little "go go" my pet name for him as a toddler, is now 50 years old! What a trip! I guess that means that I am almost old too? hmmm, time flies! and c) It was my LAST Saturday to sleep in for the next 4+ months! I am looking forward to my little shop opening up in a week, but I am REALLY going to miss the quiet relaxing mornings! Oh well, at least can still go back to bed for a nap in the mornings for another month if I want! d) It is the day before Mother's Day - which is not such a big thing, except it is the first Mother's Day missing one of my children....

Me and my Bro's
Summer 1982

Me and my Bro's
March 2014

I haven't blogged anything for a few weeks, since I wrote about my trip to see my Dad, that was a tough one and I suppose I haven't felt I had much to say since then. I am writing today, because as mentioned, pretty soon I am going to be busy again for the summer. My time will be busy making coffee, serving ice cream, baking hot fresh cinnamon buns and in general spending time with the public, my customers and many who are becoming friends. The next 7 days will be busy, cleaning up the shop, doing some quick painting, etc. We had hoped to have a new shop or extension but it just doesn't seem to be in the cards... My poor old husband, I can't work him that hard. He is good, he wants to build it all for me, but that just doesn't look like it can happen this year. I will settle for a new ceiling, new floor and wall paint and some kick ass product! Hence, I will do very little writing and few Facebook status updates!

Easter Sunday in Fosterville, NB

May is an interesting month, the snow is almost gone (yes, seriously, there is STILL snow on the ground in the woods!) the ice is almost all gone on the lake (yes, seriously!), the "lake people" are starting to come back, open up their "camps" (yes, that is what cabins and cottages are called here and yes, some of those camps are nicer than my house) and even a few spring bulbs are starting to pop up, (yes, seriously, I know in BC your bulbs came up two months ago, but mine came up this week!)

Mother's Day 2013
with my little family
Missing Rachel this year...

May is a month of events to remember such as a moment of silence for a dear friend who has been gone for about 25 years now, he lost his life in May and I always remember him, numerous birthdays, many of my friends and a couple of my siblings, all have May birthdays. It is a matter of trying to remember to look on my Facebook ticker to make sure I don't forget the important life long friends, phone my siblings and email my twinnies in Vancouver since they have managed to completely avoid social media. I have to make sure I call my mom, no not too tough, we talk about every other day anyway, but better make sure I remember on Mama's day! AND spend time talking to my own girls.  

Amidst this, winding up from the winter, completing websites, prepping the shop to open - which is tough since I have not had much income for the past six months - always a lot of creative banking going on for the first month of opening! Marketing the Arts Festival - bringing on new artisans and skilled talent to join our annual show and on top of that too many trips to town!

Happy Mother's Day Mom!
Love you lots and I will
always be so grateful for all
you have done for me!

What do I need to do? Oh yes, breathe, know that it will all come together; be grateful for the help I have here at home; realize that if not everything is on the table opening weekend that it will happen; order my ice cream and find a freezer to put it in ! IKES! Oh well, it'll happen and I will definitely miss Rachel by my side, late Friday night before opening saying "Mom! Why do you wait until the last minute?" Yes, she was a big help and her little sister is going to be an awesome helper all summer too!

What I am grateful for? My life, my healing, my future, my past, my friends, my family. I have reflected a lot on my friendships this past year. I lost a few friends during my life for long periods of time and was so fortunate to get them back. One of my greatest regrets in life, was hurting or losing anyone that I loved and I do love my friends. I am so happy to be gaining the friendship and trust back from someone I lost almost 20 years ago and I sincerely hope she knows how special our re-connection has been. Almost ten years ago, another couple of friends came back into my life and that was time when I needed them so much, I will be forever thankful for them. This past year has put a few stresses on that friendship and I truly hope and pray that they still understand how special they are and how I couldn't bear to lose them again. They are amazing women and I only ever hope that they understand how deeply they are in my heart. 

Life deals us all huge blows, health, family, grief, loss, friendship - things that sometimes we don't know if we can overcome. I am so fortunate to have come through the other side. There are times when I never thought I would get out of bed again, now, it is hard to believe that was even me. Thank you to anyone and everyone who supported me on my journey. Writing down my thoughts and getting reviews on those thoughts in my book has been an amazing experience. This Mother's Day, I know that I was given my life to live, to hopefully give a little bit back to the world, to find my passion and with all my faults and mistakes, try to raise two little people properly. Thank you all for every kind word, action, hug, moment, that you gave me and assisted me on that path! Thank you to my babies for loving me, forgiving me and being so gol'darn cute!

Happy Mother's Day to you all! 

Whether you are a mother, 

have a mother

 or might ever  be a mother!

Time Travel DOES exist!

Sitting with Dad

Who can doubt that we time travel, when we can get on a plane, cross 3 time zones and arrive thousands of miles away in a matter of hours? The Time Traveler has nothing on me, I did it only last week! I left Calgary, AB Tuesday morning at 9AM and arrived in Fredericton, NB at 7PM - now tell me, how many of you can do that? Yup, time travel!

The intent of my two and a half week trip was first to visit my parents, stay with my Mom in her house in Lethbridge, AB while visiting my Dad in a care home. I was to spend 8 days there, then travel on to Vancouver and Nanaimo and end it all with a book signing of my new book - Poems From the Heart and Hearth.  Well after one visit with my father, I knew I wasn't going anywhere except to his doctor to learn more about his health.

I think I ended up shorter from hunching over

I was shocked, I hadn't seen Dad for almost 3 years and I had known then that he had changed. His reactions, comments and behaviour were, to say the least "off." I had no idea how far he had fallen. Yes, my daughter had seen him last summer and spent time with him, I knew he had been put into a care home, which was against his wishes, I had heard he was starving himself and I knew he had lost a LOT of weight. I was still not prepared for what and who I faced.

Time travel: My Dad was born in 1939, he was always strong, a hard worker and at 6'2" he started his married life at 185 lbs and at his heaviest hit about 300 lbs. He was a bear of a man, sometimes a teddy bear and at others a grizzly bear but he was never small, in personality or stature. So, to see him, laying prone  in his recliner that could lift him to standing, watch him struggle to speak, strain to hear the words and decipher them, see him unable to feed himself, barely able to lift his drink and straw to his mouth, struggling to stay awake for any period of time and at the mercy of the care of others, was alarming. I will say, that he is still in there. I looked into his eyes for hours every day, for two weeks and he is there. He knows what is going on and he doesn't like it. Can't say I blame him. 

A shave from Chad

Even as I write this and I have taken a week to think before putting words to paper, I have to take care about what I say to allow him as much dignity as possible in his final days, while sharing the reality that I experienced. Dignity, this is a word I have heard a lot lately. Some people say it doesn't matter anymore, others say that there is never any dignity in dying, while I and some people close to me believe that if we allow him as much dignity as we can, we are honouring him and respecting him. Besides, isn't that what any of us would want? 

On the day of my first visit, my heart was racing and my breathing got shallow as my visit approached. I couldn't eat or deal with any minor irritations or small talk - I had to build up my strength and courage since I knew it would be rough. I still wasn't ready. I got to his room, said "Hi" and he knew me, he smiled and was happy to see me. Then he tried to talk to me and I just couldn't get it, I was aware I was frustrating him and was devastated that I couldn't figure out what he wanted. There was no one there to help me, interpret or give me direction. I told him I would go get a nurse and by the time I got to the nurses station I was crying, deeply sobbing and my chest was heaving. The nurse said it's OK, when I told her it had been 3 years and that I didn't know what to do. They took over, helped him with what he needed and I took a few minutes to calm down. I felt awful letting him see me that way.

With me and my girls

I spent three hours there that first day and slowly started to understand what he needed, when he needed it and how to begin to predict where we were going in our communication. I had brought my new book to show Dad but he wasn't up to it. However, being as practical as he is, he asked me how much I paid for it and how much I sold it for. Yes, Dad always nailed the basics down right away! We took time to talk, mostly me talking, him smiling and remembering. He asked where my girls were and I told him they were coming but I needed to see him alone first, no kids, no Mom, just us. It was good.

After leaving that day I knew I wasn't going anywhere else. My only mission this trip was to spend time with Dad, as much as possible, help him however I could and to give Mom a rest and friendship and love while spending time together. The next morning I told Mom I wanted to see Dad's doctor, I needed to hear what was wrong with him, what was happening and what we would face. Her doctor was great, apparently he specializes in geriatric patients and he gave us a lot of time to meet with him. He explained to me that Dad had probably had this type of dementia for a long time, maybe years. I think now it has been more like about 6 or 7  years coming on. His motor skills are shutting down, that is why he falls, has no balance, reduced speech - since his vocal chords are not doing what he tells them too and can't manipulate his body effectively. He is cognitive, he knows what is going on, he remembers all of his behaviour (well as much as any of us do I suppose) and this dementia affects some of his ability to make rational decisions. Yes, that explains a lot over the years too. Thank you Dr. Bly for making the time for us, twice, while I was there. It was incredibly helpful.

At Kayden's Baptism

That night with Mom, I contacted my brothers so we were all on the same page. I contacted my Dad's living siblings and  gave them an update. No need to come, but we could be looking at 2 days, 2 weeks, 2 months or 2 years. Well, I think weeks and months but I am not in the medical system. On Tuesday of that week, day three of my visits, I asked Dad what he wanted? He wants to die. I knew that. He never wanted this (no one does, but Dad was always vehement about his wishes) I told him... go. It's OK. We had a long communication over that one and I expect one day soon I will hear that he has left us. We ensured the care home and doctor were aware of his wishes.

I told him, he has lived his life, done his best, messed up, made mistakes and done what he could to help others. He is ready, he just needs to believe it. I told him, you are forgiven by me for anything that may be between us, it is OK. Now if I wasn't a parent and if I hadn't made monumental child rearing mistakes - I might not be able to get past everything, but I am a parent and I hope that on my death bed, my children will love me unconditionally, forgive me and let me move forward with a clear conscience. I am not God, it is not my job to judge Dad or anyone else. 

Spending two weeks with my Dad, by his side, feeding him, washing his face, helping him with his needs, I never once felt impatient or put upon. I just felt love that I was able to do for him,  a little of what he had done for me in my life. I could give back. I wasn't there to get anything, but I did, I got peace. I hope I gave him a little back.

Family celebrating Althea's mission

So much happened, there is so much I could say, but suffice it to say that I was where I needed to be, doing what I needed to do. I was surrounded by loved ones, my brothers, their families, my children, niece, nephew, relatives, all caring, kind and supportive. I am so grateful to have had the opportunity to spend what is likely my final days with my Dad. I eventually was able to read him the poems I had written for him and I could see he was touched. I was happy that I could tell him how I felt. We have never been big on saying the words, so this was a means to let him know the love I feel.

Dad, thank you, for who you were, warts and all, you helped me be who I am. Thank you for sharing, laughing and smiling as we remembered moments from my childhood that were between us. For the pleasure on your face as I recalled times you had treated me special as the only girl at the time - even though you had forgotten them. It is easy to become an adult and push back your past, to forget the good in your childhood and dwell on the negative. I am glad I have good memories and I thank both of my parents for their love.

  

Dad and I around 2000?

Our family in the 1970's

Time travel does exist. As we sit and look at old pictures, videos, tell stories and remember a bear of a man who I am proud to call my Dad. That big bear is now back to about 190 lbs and he is frail and counting the days. When you pass over Dad, remember I love you and your grandchildren adore you!