Time Travel DOES exist!

Sitting with Dad

Who can doubt that we time travel, when we can get on a plane, cross 3 time zones and arrive thousands of miles away in a matter of hours? The Time Traveler has nothing on me, I did it only last week! I left Calgary, AB Tuesday morning at 9AM and arrived in Fredericton, NB at 7PM - now tell me, how many of you can do that? Yup, time travel!

The intent of my two and a half week trip was first to visit my parents, stay with my Mom in her house in Lethbridge, AB while visiting my Dad in a care home. I was to spend 8 days there, then travel on to Vancouver and Nanaimo and end it all with a book signing of my new book - Poems From the Heart and Hearth.  Well after one visit with my father, I knew I wasn't going anywhere except to his doctor to learn more about his health.

I think I ended up shorter from hunching over

I was shocked, I hadn't seen Dad for almost 3 years and I had known then that he had changed. His reactions, comments and behaviour were, to say the least "off." I had no idea how far he had fallen. Yes, my daughter had seen him last summer and spent time with him, I knew he had been put into a care home, which was against his wishes, I had heard he was starving himself and I knew he had lost a LOT of weight. I was still not prepared for what and who I faced.

Time travel: My Dad was born in 1939, he was always strong, a hard worker and at 6'2" he started his married life at 185 lbs and at his heaviest hit about 300 lbs. He was a bear of a man, sometimes a teddy bear and at others a grizzly bear but he was never small, in personality or stature. So, to see him, laying prone  in his recliner that could lift him to standing, watch him struggle to speak, strain to hear the words and decipher them, see him unable to feed himself, barely able to lift his drink and straw to his mouth, struggling to stay awake for any period of time and at the mercy of the care of others, was alarming. I will say, that he is still in there. I looked into his eyes for hours every day, for two weeks and he is there. He knows what is going on and he doesn't like it. Can't say I blame him. 

A shave from Chad

Even as I write this and I have taken a week to think before putting words to paper, I have to take care about what I say to allow him as much dignity as possible in his final days, while sharing the reality that I experienced. Dignity, this is a word I have heard a lot lately. Some people say it doesn't matter anymore, others say that there is never any dignity in dying, while I and some people close to me believe that if we allow him as much dignity as we can, we are honouring him and respecting him. Besides, isn't that what any of us would want? 

On the day of my first visit, my heart was racing and my breathing got shallow as my visit approached. I couldn't eat or deal with any minor irritations or small talk - I had to build up my strength and courage since I knew it would be rough. I still wasn't ready. I got to his room, said "Hi" and he knew me, he smiled and was happy to see me. Then he tried to talk to me and I just couldn't get it, I was aware I was frustrating him and was devastated that I couldn't figure out what he wanted. There was no one there to help me, interpret or give me direction. I told him I would go get a nurse and by the time I got to the nurses station I was crying, deeply sobbing and my chest was heaving. The nurse said it's OK, when I told her it had been 3 years and that I didn't know what to do. They took over, helped him with what he needed and I took a few minutes to calm down. I felt awful letting him see me that way.

With me and my girls

I spent three hours there that first day and slowly started to understand what he needed, when he needed it and how to begin to predict where we were going in our communication. I had brought my new book to show Dad but he wasn't up to it. However, being as practical as he is, he asked me how much I paid for it and how much I sold it for. Yes, Dad always nailed the basics down right away! We took time to talk, mostly me talking, him smiling and remembering. He asked where my girls were and I told him they were coming but I needed to see him alone first, no kids, no Mom, just us. It was good.

After leaving that day I knew I wasn't going anywhere else. My only mission this trip was to spend time with Dad, as much as possible, help him however I could and to give Mom a rest and friendship and love while spending time together. The next morning I told Mom I wanted to see Dad's doctor, I needed to hear what was wrong with him, what was happening and what we would face. Her doctor was great, apparently he specializes in geriatric patients and he gave us a lot of time to meet with him. He explained to me that Dad had probably had this type of dementia for a long time, maybe years. I think now it has been more like about 6 or 7  years coming on. His motor skills are shutting down, that is why he falls, has no balance, reduced speech - since his vocal chords are not doing what he tells them too and can't manipulate his body effectively. He is cognitive, he knows what is going on, he remembers all of his behaviour (well as much as any of us do I suppose) and this dementia affects some of his ability to make rational decisions. Yes, that explains a lot over the years too. Thank you Dr. Bly for making the time for us, twice, while I was there. It was incredibly helpful.

At Kayden's Baptism

That night with Mom, I contacted my brothers so we were all on the same page. I contacted my Dad's living siblings and  gave them an update. No need to come, but we could be looking at 2 days, 2 weeks, 2 months or 2 years. Well, I think weeks and months but I am not in the medical system. On Tuesday of that week, day three of my visits, I asked Dad what he wanted? He wants to die. I knew that. He never wanted this (no one does, but Dad was always vehement about his wishes) I told him... go. It's OK. We had a long communication over that one and I expect one day soon I will hear that he has left us. We ensured the care home and doctor were aware of his wishes.

I told him, he has lived his life, done his best, messed up, made mistakes and done what he could to help others. He is ready, he just needs to believe it. I told him, you are forgiven by me for anything that may be between us, it is OK. Now if I wasn't a parent and if I hadn't made monumental child rearing mistakes - I might not be able to get past everything, but I am a parent and I hope that on my death bed, my children will love me unconditionally, forgive me and let me move forward with a clear conscience. I am not God, it is not my job to judge Dad or anyone else. 

Spending two weeks with my Dad, by his side, feeding him, washing his face, helping him with his needs, I never once felt impatient or put upon. I just felt love that I was able to do for him,  a little of what he had done for me in my life. I could give back. I wasn't there to get anything, but I did, I got peace. I hope I gave him a little back.

Family celebrating Althea's mission

So much happened, there is so much I could say, but suffice it to say that I was where I needed to be, doing what I needed to do. I was surrounded by loved ones, my brothers, their families, my children, niece, nephew, relatives, all caring, kind and supportive. I am so grateful to have had the opportunity to spend what is likely my final days with my Dad. I eventually was able to read him the poems I had written for him and I could see he was touched. I was happy that I could tell him how I felt. We have never been big on saying the words, so this was a means to let him know the love I feel.

Dad, thank you, for who you were, warts and all, you helped me be who I am. Thank you for sharing, laughing and smiling as we remembered moments from my childhood that were between us. For the pleasure on your face as I recalled times you had treated me special as the only girl at the time - even though you had forgotten them. It is easy to become an adult and push back your past, to forget the good in your childhood and dwell on the negative. I am glad I have good memories and I thank both of my parents for their love.

  

Dad and I around 2000?

Our family in the 1970's

Time travel does exist. As we sit and look at old pictures, videos, tell stories and remember a bear of a man who I am proud to call my Dad. That big bear is now back to about 190 lbs and he is frail and counting the days. When you pass over Dad, remember I love you and your grandchildren adore you!

Poems from the Heart and Hearth - Released soon!

The last two weeks have been busy with excitement around here. I confirmed my flight for Jessica and I to head out west, Alberta and then drive to BC to visit family. I had been hoping for a long time to go and finally the opportunity presented itself. YAY! I haven't been home for almost three years and a lot has changed. I know I can't see everyone I would like to visit with and hope that I don't offend anyone but there are only so many hours in a day...

When I left, my parents lived on Vancouver Island, BC, they are now in Lethbridge, Alberta. So that adds extra mileage to my journey. We need to fly into Calgary, drive to Lethbridge, spend 8 days visiting with my parents and other family members. Then drive to Vancouver to see my daughter and try to get a few other things done while there. Then drive back to Calgary and fly out again to Fredericton. I think I am already tired thinking about it! (Yes I plan to bake and be at market on the Friday that week when we return!)

40th Anniversary

50th Anniversary

I am very excited to see my baby, it will have been 9 months since she left home and now she has an apartment and lives in Vancouver. I expect to see many changes in her - she has grown up a lot. However, the really tough part will be seeing my father. Dad is no longer at home, he has been in a facility with dementia and other debilitating health issues. He has lost a lot of weight rapidly and I need to see him while I still can and while he still remembers me. I realize this will be a bittersweet trip. I know it will be as hard for him to have me see him as it will be for me to be there. I must be strong. I must not allow any outbursts or anger to turn me away. I must go back again, even if it hurts.

I decided to put a compilation of poems together into a book to share with him. I have dedicated the book "Poems From The Heart and Hearth" to my dad. I hope he likes it. I hope he understands how much he means to me and how much I miss him. I hope he sees love and not pity in my eyes.

I never wrote much before we started our journey East and now I find it liberating and cathartic. I can say on paper what I can't say out loud. I can express my thoughts and emotions without breaking down and crying. I have found a way to share and I am hoping that others enjoy the journey through the book with me. The book, poetry and photos have brought back many memories for me. I plan to publish a book of short stories later this year - stories from the past and my imagination. I may never write the great Canadian novel, but authors, Alice Munro and Mavis Gallant - had entire careers on short stories. It could happen!

Having said that, the book "Poems From The Heart and Hearth" has now been sent to the publisher and I await with baited breath the final copies. Yes, they are available for sale and a nominal fee! Yes I am shamelessly promoting them, but, remember, if you order one now - I can bring them West with me to save shipping fees and sign a copy for you! Now, how is that for a deal? Only $15.00 per copy- shipping extra.

Now time to get back to my day, finish dishes, pack in wood and since it is March break, drive Jessica over to visit a friend. Life is good out here in the woods. 

Winter and Websites

Len & Duncan
Feb. 16, 2014

Good morning Tuesday! It is bright and crisp out. The thermometer dropped below -20C last night and here I sit, at my desk with my fingerless gloves and a blanket over my legs. The sun is shining off of the 4+ feet of snow outside my window and the weatherman is making me optimistic about the horizon. Len did his share of shoveling the white stuff over the weekend but we seem to have some reprieve for the moment.

Home Sweet Home
Feb. 2014

What have I been up to? Well, I have been working on websites. It has been fun to do this again. Makes me realize that although I am not an artist, I have some creativity that I have picked up or learned over the years. I definitely enjoy the work and now in the slow winter season, it is a perfect time for me to hone my skills and create away!

I was very excited to work on a website for one of my oldest friends. She was my first roommate and she put up with a lot from me. Starting out in a new apartment back then for us was much different than it is now for my daughter. "My Lana" as I called her and I both shared a 3 floor walk up, with a front and back stairwell and doors. We lugged up boxes of pots, pans and dishes that our families didn't need anymore, old tables and chair and a 300 lb. sofa bed for the living room. We loved that apartment and had some amazing experiences there. We learned to live on our own and without a car, we did a lot of walking.

My family in the '80's. This was my parents 25th anniversary. I am dead centre
in my yellow dress I loved. This was during the time that Lana and I had
an apartment in Nanaimo about 1985. I was sporting my Princess Di look.
From left to right: Dad, Mom, Me, brother Owen, Brother Chad
Front row: Sister Christina, Sister Margaret, Foster brother Chris

We used to go to the grocery store, probably about a mile away, get our goods (back when $30 could buy you a half dozen bags of food) and walk home again. If we had a lot, we sometimes pushed that grocery cart home, emptied it and walked it back again. We were in pretty good shape! Our living room was decorated with neon poster paper fronted with pull out posters from movie magazines. Old James Dean, Marilyn Monroe and probably a few Duran Duran posters too. It was VERY '80's as were we.

We loved our place, it was a big old two bedroom apartment and we adored it. It was a gnarly place - a Valley Girl's dream. One night we had a little scare though. We were both sleeping in our rooms with a bathroom separating them, when I heard a loud BANG and thought I heard something on the back step. I freaked out. I was so scared because I could HEAR someone pushing on our door and then it sounded like they were climbing through the window. "I was LIKE totally freaked out, MAN!"

I ran to Lana's room (she was smaller than me but tougher too) and I woke her up. "Lana, Lana! WAKE UP! Someone is climbing through the back window, I'm scared!" She said "Wake me up if they get in." WHAT? Clearly she was still asleep! I made her wake up and we creeped to the kitchen. Why didn't we phone the police? We walked into the kitchen where we saw the neighbours drunk brother trying to get through the kitchen window since he couldn't open our back door. 

Donovan's Bistro
Gold River, BC

We were stunned! (No, we still did not call the police!) This guy was attempting to get into our apartment because he "wanted to party, eh?" He kept saying, "Let me in, eh? Let'z partay! Com'on!" No way in hell were we letting him in. I knew I was safe, my brave little friend was protecting me. We managed to push him out the window, onto the back deck and threaten him with the cops if he didn't get the hell out of there. If memory serves me correctly we hit him with something, maybe a pot or frying pan? We knew he wasn't supposed to be staying at his sisters and we didn't want her to get into trouble with the landlord or police so we just shoved him out, swore, threatened and completely did everything we would tell our kids today, NOT to do.

The neighbour of course was very sorry and in return brought us a venison roast as a thank you and payment to keep quiet. Those were the days! I look back fondly and laugh and realize how nuts we were and oblivious to the world around us. Now, Lana has a beautiful little bistro in Gold River, BC and I am happy to say I just built her a website. www.donovansbistro.com Check it out and if you ever go to Gold River, order a deluxe gourmet pizza for me will you?

My daughter is now living on her own, in a beautiful new basement suite in a safer neighbourhood than we had. She does not have much used furniture and has decorated her home much more tastefully than we could. She even has a car so no pushing grocery carts of food home for her. She is well under way in her course in Vancouver and decided she needs to start to promote herself so we got her some business cards, Facebook page and a website. Follow her journey as she starts her life much more street smart and savvy than her mama was. www.rachelbethellmakeup.com 

I have built a few websites in the last month, updated another and hope to get some more work over the next few months before summer hits and I have no time to do anything but bake. Speaking of summer, it's warmer now, about -12C so back to work, time to promote some more web work and plan ahead to the spring day when the snow is melted and I can type without gloves on and a blanket on my lap. Have a great day!

My parents 40th Anniversary - 2003
Owen, Me, Chad
Mom, Dad

Sunday, Sunday, I love that day....

Sunday morning, the snow has stopped, the sun is shining and the temperatures are not bad at only -13C. This month has been incredibly cold, long periods of a deep freeze, freezing rain and I have been hibernating just trying to stay warm. I am grateful that the extreme sub zero -20C to -30C are over, at least for now. It almost felt like spring as we had a brief January thaw. Enough, I say this every year - just tired of being cold! (I did have a local knitter make me a pair of fingerless gloves so I can still type and feeling rather clever at thinking about this solution to my hands and possible hypothermia.)

I love my house. I like my life. That said, there are some things that seem so simple and taken for granted that have caused us pain to no end since we moved in here.Water. As I watch the debate around the world for big corporations to take over water that is not their property and try to sell it back to people, it makes me appreciate what I have even more. I can't imagine what people do in impoverished countries without water, people who have suffered from drought and in areas where the water has been environmentally destroyed. I like water, I miss it when I don't have any.

We had a new well dug in August $8,000+, then found out the water wasn't OK and we needed to put in an additional water and UV filtration and protection system $4,000 more; then the drain wouldn't work so we couldn't use the filtration system; then our pipes froze, then, the drain was hooked up for the system but still without a proper kitchen drain, now, last night, the last straw... It's a good thing we went to bed late, after a nice night of watching old movies with our daughter - when we heard a noise, like water rushing... 

Picture this: 12:15AM and my scrawny little husband wandering around upstairs in his saggy briefs, looking for the sound or leak. Then, realizing it was in the walls heading down to the cellar, the sound starting at our new bathroom and ending in the ancient rock and dirt basement. We turned the lights on, thumping down the stairs, more lights, through the kitchen and over to the lift the heavy old hatch. This hatch is on the floor and one has to lean over it, pull and hope they don't fall face forward down the steep steps and tumble down to the musty old space that may now be filled with water. Yes, my hero went, as I stood upstairs and helpfully called out "Be careful Honey!"

Our worst fear - pipes burst, water filling the space. Len shut off all the water - now we have none in the house and I am berating myself for watching movies and spending family time last night instead of doing dishes and taking a bath. Alas, fresh snow outside is now in a pot melting on the stove so I can wash some dishes. (I am relieved that not many people pop in to visit at this time of year, since I have dirty dishes and feeling a little skunky myself!)

Later we will head to the community centre and fill a few 5 gallon water jugs. Coffee is not looking like it will happen in the near future and a mama without her fresh ground perked coffee in the morning has been known to get a little cranky! Then I put it all in perspective, I am not impoverished walking all day to find enough water to make rice for my children for supper. I am once again feeling blessed - albeit a tad annoyed, I know life is still good!

Here's hoping you have a day filled with sunshine, water (in the appropriate places) and surrounded by people you love! I am off to pour that boiled snow over the supper dishes and muck away!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

As I sit here thinking about what I want to do in January, I am watching a few snow flakes fall, listening to Len shovel the drive (again) and waiting for Jessica to wake up. It is Monday morning, December 30th, we just had another good dump of snow and the new year is on the horizon. 

Many people develop New Year's Resolutions - often they are things we can't follow for long or aren't motivated to continue - but maybe we don't make the right resolutions, maybe that is why they don't seem achievable. I saw this picture on a Facebook page and it seems doable, realistic and makes sense. It also focus' on what is truly important for each of us, 12 Steps to Self Care. My wish for 2014 is that I can learn this mantra and the my girls can too - we tend to take things too personally or too seriously... Just let go of what we can't control and be kind to ourselves, seems like a good idea to me!

I am entering the new year of 2014 feeling very grateful for what I have, the people I love and for who I have become. Nine Christmas' ago I never believed I would feel at peace again. I had just buried my first husband, I had a 3 year old recovering in a full body cast from a car accident and a 10 year old who was so traumatized and lost that she would not let me out of her sight. It was strange Christmas but one that I will never forget. My parents were crucial to my survival and my mom moved in for 6 weeks to care for us all, day and night. My Dad gave me that gift of my Mom with his complete love and support and Christmas day, Dad took over the role of putting toys together, playing games with the girls and telling me how much he loved me. My best gift that day was a 2 hour soak in the tub with time alone, as my folks distracted my girls and  gave me some space from being needed every second. Those moments in the bathroom, door locked, classical music on (so I couldn't hear anyone banging on the door or calling for me) were cathartic.

My little monkey!

Today, 9 years later, I am surrounded with love from my adoring husband, my great kids and a few really good friends, near and far. I never believed I would own a home again, but I do. I have learned that Christmas is not about the stuff, it is about the love and being together. This year I made a pact to keep things simple, affordable, local and sustainable and we pretty much achieved that.

Len, all tuckered out!

Nothing was over the top or going to put us in the poor house and we were all happy with how it went. We sure did miss Rachel though! Of course she was busy in Vancouver cooking her turkey dinner and talking to me every 45 minutes to walk her through it, so with that and some Skype time, I didn't feel all that far away from her.

A care package for Rachel

A must for a care package,
Authentic Nanaimo Bars!

 Of course we remembered Rachel and sent her a care package that, as we speak is somewhere in a car driving through Northern Ontario - making its way to her new home. Yes, practical, sent her baking goods, recipes and already baked goods! A little taste of home... Maybe she will make herself and her room mate some good old fashioned multigrain bread, just like mom used to make...

  

My Kitchen My Favourite Place!

We now move forward into 2014 and as I look at the year ahead I am feeling a little lost. Why? Well, things slow down drastically for me and I  need to set tasks for myself to remain

focused and not to get too lazy. My days will have some routine, getting Jessica off to school, morning coffee by the fire with my handsome, puttering away, lunch with my lover and then write or sew or prep for market, welcome Jessica home in the afternoons, followed by a family supper, homework and then off to bed again. It is a comfortable routine and I should add some winter walks with Len and Duncan into that schedule.

 

I hope that in 2014 I become more sustainable in my routines, do more to treat my earth and planet better, make even more of my gifts for next Christmas, have a successful year doing what we do out here in our little bit of the country and maybe get to see my parents again. Happy New Year!