Saturday, January 15, 2011

Reflecting today...

I have to keep reminding myself that I am grateful for and appreciate what I have. Sometimes things just seem to enormous to cope with . Or I start to feel sorry for myself for making so many decisions that just don't materialize the results I am expecting. Most often I keep telling myself how lucky I am.

I like to read in bed at night before I sleep. First, I crawl into bed, I have my pj's and long sleeved t-shirt on. Two pillows behind my back, two flannel sheets on top of me and a thick 'mink' blanket. I lay back, take a deep sigh, think about my day, feel my back relax and my legs stretch out. I wonder if tonight will be the night I see the mysterious ghost who wanders the floor. Rachel and Len have both seen her as she shifted from room to room, but not me.

I look around my beautiful home. It is my castle. Yes, we are all still camping out downstairs and the idea of bedrooms seems so far down the road now we barely discuss it. I love the walls, windows, sounds, creaking noises, snow melting off the roof and remember how happy I am to be here. It is my castle, my refuge, my home. I know how lucky I have it. So thank you, thank you, thank you!

I shall keep reminding myself of this as I go to work and clean floors and bake cookies. I shall remind myself of this as I wait anxiously for approval of my business plan to move forward. I shall remind myself of this if my plan is denied and I have to proceed without support. I shall remind myself of this as I listen to a teen move from love to hate in a five minute span, as I listen to my youngest express longing for those left behind. I feel sad that my parents may never come here but glad that I can talk to them so easily with email and phone.

I love my house. I love my land. I love my new neighbourhood. I see my future. I hope I'm not alone for too much of the time that lies ahead of me, but what will be will be. I do look forward to my children having a home to return to visit. Their rooms left for them as they wanted so that they will always feel they can come back to me. That was something I missed and so desperately wanted to give them. We have moved a lot in the last six years but finally I can offer them a haven. I await (far into the future) my grandchildren coming to visit and seeing where their mommies lived. I shall regale them with tales of their mother's youth. I will teach them to bake and fill their little tummies with rich goodies.

Thank you house for giving me my crystal ball. I know I can't see through it all, however, I see the day my chickens run free, the goats scrounge around the house and my garden grows. I see my children's children picking flowers, fruit and vegetables from my garden. I see them hunting down eggs and sorrow when a little chick doesn't make it. This is all so beautiful to me. As I walked through the snow today and admired the frozen lake, I felt at peace. House, you are beautiful and I love you! Land, thank you for your richness! Thank you New Brunswick for reaching out to me and guiding me here.

Golden Unicorn Farm
My house is large
The rooms are empty
The walls are old
The memories a plenty

The floors are marked
The windows solid
The roof strong and sloped
This is my home

The last I will ever know
My life is here now
My heart must know
That as much as I love my past

My future is here
My children will visit me
My friends may not, I fear
I may be alone in this old home

When my children are gone
And my husband goes home
I will be strong
I will adjust

The house is old
It’s full of dust
The love that will
Fill my heart

Will strengthen these walls
When my grief does impart
I know I have loved,
I know I have lost

But this old house
My soul will entrust


Sarah Sherman said...

From Chad: Sounds peaceful. But please be careful. You're sounding a bit old( grandchildren and such), remember, I'm only 3years your junior! I'm not old! I don't have time to be old! Don't get old Sally! Be young.

Sarah Sherman said...

From Sharon: Thanks for all the blogs, updates, thoughts, poems etc. Your grandma story and poem made me think of my mom...

Thank you Sharon! Glad you enjoy them.